Weighing in with my .02

The Weight Loss Bible

2012-01-23T22:13:00.000+01:00

On top of the wonderful help I received at the clinic, Novarum, I still have at hand my weight loss bible, Dr. Phil's "The Ultimate Weight Solutions". If you've been a long time reader or have gone through any of my older posts since finding me you'll know that this is how "weighin in" got started. Even when I was getting help at Novarum they encouraged me to go back and re-read Dr. P's book and highlight the things that had spoken to me. The list I made of "things that work for me" when I was finishing my last sessions with the clinic resides in my "weight loss bible" for those days that I just can't remember what it's all for.

I've been in a bit of a slump when it comes to exercise. Okay, I've been a slug. Seriously a slug. For one reason or another (read: one excuse or another) I've not made myself move on a regular basis for way too long. I wanted the magic answer as to why I just couldn't motivate myself to move so I took out my bible and started to read. I only got a few paragraphs into it when my answer reached up and slapped me in the face. Let me go ahead and quote (page 217 last paragraph)

"Read this as though I am speaking directly to you: effective weight management demands that you require more of yourself in terms of personal integrity, honesty and maturity. Get real enough with yourself to say, "I'm mature and honest enough to not play mind games with myself"."

I pride myself on being an honest person. I think of myself as a person with integrity. I can, in certain circumstances be mature (that doesn't include people falling or tripping because no matter what, I always laugh inappropriately). I need to hold myself accountable for the decisions I make or choose not to make. Yes I am a busy Mom who works full time but yes, I do sit on the couch for more than one hour almost day and veg out. I need to seriously get real with myself. I'm not fooling anybody but me and even I'm not that daft.

So here I am, back at 3 days a week exercise every week. All weeks of the year because if I don't make this change and stick with it then I will not be successful and not being successful is simply not an option.

Trying something new

2012-01-16T11:49:00.000+01:00

Today with every food/exercise related decision I am going to make I am going to ask myself "does this help in my weight loss efforts". I've tried it a couple times already this morning and that split second that it takes to think of the whole "actions = consequences" scenario makes quite a difference. I've already taken the stairs twice (which is two more times than I usually would) and skipped my second coffee. It's a little trick my good friend Clare told me about, as she's doing it too, so we'll see how it goes.

I'm also giving up soda in all forms this week. It's been causing me stomach problems over the past month or so and it's beyond the point where I can continue to ignore it. Duh!

This, combined with my same efforts I've been making over the past year is my current plan of action!

I hate that this blog seems more like a report than a fun, lighthearted read about my weight loss efforts. I would like to get back to it. I'll try. No promises.

Yikes!

2011-11-12T08:29:00.000+01:00

I really didn't realize it had been sooooo long since I'd written. I though maybe a month but geesh! I guess when I don't have such high highs and low lows everything seems just kind of mundane and there isn't much to tell.

I'm doing great. Mentally I am doing terriffic. I haven't binged in well over eight months and possibly longer.

I am slacking on my exercise but within the last two weeks have picked it up again. It's nothing extreme just an extra walk at lunch on days of good weather. I bought the newest Just Dance Three for the Wii and love it. I'm trying to get in three times a week, 40 minutes a go but I'm not quite "there" yet.

My weight has still stalled. I am still hovering between 125 and 126 kilos back and forth. I know once I get into a regular exercise routine I will hop right over that hurdle but the strange (and somewhat positive) thing is, I'm no longer beating myself up for not being all "go get em tiger" about the whole thing. I may have to put a bit more "get em" into my life but at least I'm not having manic feelings and thoughts anymore about this entire process. That's beautiful.

We're getting ready to go on vacation in a few weeks and will be doing tons of walking around DISNEYWORLD! I've never been there and am really looking forward to see Sadie's little face as she meets some of her favorite characters.

So that's where I am today! I will try to post again before I go and then again after. Feel free to hold me to that!

Hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Thinking Outloud

2011-09-24T20:42:00.000+02:00

I'm still alive and here is proof.

Okay so that's just a cheap way to show you all how cute my kid has gotten in the three years she's been here on earth.

I'm not really sure what's going on... I guess a new phase in my life has started and my blog has gone by the wayside. It means, in no way, that I have stopped anything that I learned with DEWY and Novarum. I'm still plugging along, slowly but surely. Well actually I'm still staying steady where I was two weeks ago and two months ago but at least I'm staying steady. I'm not having manic diet thoughts. I'm not making myself feel guilty over food. Or happy over food. Or anything over food. I still have that beast conquered. I still love the decision that I made to go for help and I still am thrilled at the results.

I guess because it's just going so... I don't know... what's the word... smoothly(?) that I don't really know what to say. I'm just kind of stupmed. I'm not doing any big huge mile stone goals, which is what I've always filled my blog with in the past. I'm just going with the flow, albeit mindfully, and that does't leave for very interesting writing material.

I've also got a few more distrations keeping me from blogging regularly. I've started doing some other writing projects which thrills me to bits. My job is going amazingly well. I'm super happy there. My life at home is stupendous. My kid is great. I'm feeling great. I'm loving my friends. I'm loving my life and things seem to be going in a forward, positive motion. As far as weight loss is concerned though... it's just kind of the same.

I'm not going to close down my blog. I don't think that would be the right thing to do at all but it feels a bit silly to have it sitting here and not writing in it. Maybe I need to find some little motivations that are weight loss and healthy eating related that will get me posting and keep me posting more often.

Feel free to shout out some answers. Give feed back. What should I do at this point? Where do I go from here? What goals should I make? What direction should .02 take?

In the meantime I hope you're having happy, healthy, successful weeks!

still here

2011-09-08T15:55:00.002+02:00

not much to report. I am on a plateau between 124-126 kilos and am just waiting for something interesting to happen.

Bye bye DEWY!

2011-08-15T21:52:00.000+02:00

So I've been released from care under DEWY. They've taught me all they can teach me and I am doing so well with the tools they've given me that they've trusted me with my own care. Kind of scary.

I'm not exactly sure what I was extecting to happen when I actually reached out and sought help. I guess I was expecting it to take a hell of a lot longer and I was planning on being a lot more depressed, upset and really, just unable. But it didn't work out that way at all. I kind of... you know... did it.

So that's really all I'm doing. I'm just following the plan, albeit not perfectly, I am following it. I guess all along I wasn't striving for perfection but I do need to keep track that I am at least hitting my 80% mark most times.

I do not exercise. At all. I haven't since I got back from vacation. This has to change for a plethora of reasons but the main one being it makes me feel fabulous when I do it. It makes everything else fall into place. It makes a serious difference in my life. I still haven't given up on the idea of swimming. Dewy even suggested that if I can just do it once a week that's better than nothing and seriously, of course I can do it once a week!

I'm still on the path to get back to where I was pre-vacation and that's taking a lot longer than I expected. I try not to let it get to me but hey, I'm human, it does get to me. I want to be right back to where I was, easy peasy, but it's not working out that way. Well, that's a bit childish to say it that way. It's not that "it's" not working out that way, more like I'm not working out that way. I just need to regain that focus I had.

So that's my concentration this week, just to focus. Timing, portions, water, fish and some freaking exercise for Pete's sake!

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks.

Swimming = fail

2011-07-17T08:34:00.000+02:00

Well to be honest, it's not the swimming that was a failure, it was my ability to drag myself out of bed in the morning to get to the pool that was a failure. Do you know how early 6AM is? It's way, way early! I think if I would just do it for a week, I would get used to it, but I seriously haven´t been able to make myself go at all!

Not to fret, I didn´t let my lack of waking up to swim stop me from moving altogether. I did manage to get in a bike ride and a couple walks but nothing like the planned exercise I had all worked out in my head. I hasn´t helped that it´s been rainy and cold here either.

I´ve been eating more than I should and more often than I should. Evening snacking is killing me. I`m going to have to find a better focus in the evenings.

So overall things are just going along. I´ve got some other things going on in my life, which makes me neglect my blog a bit but no worries, I`m still here, plugging along. I´ll start my regular weigh in´s in a bit, or maybe I should start them tomorrow just to hold myself responsible and keep myself accountable. We´ll see how the morning goes.

We´re thinking about buying a house and have done some looking around and meeting a mortgage broker tomorrow, so wish us luck!

I finally weighed in and Swimming for Weight Loss

2011-06-30T12:58:00.000+02:00

Today I had my first appointment with DEWY (my disordely eating therapist) since being back from vacation. We weighed in and the numbers, no matter how ugly, didn't really deter me from the fabulous feeling of vacation success. I weighed in at 126.6 kilo or 278 lbs. That's a 9 pound gain from where I was the day I left from vacation. What does that mean? Absolutely nothing. It doesn't mean I failed, because as I posted below, I fought off some of the worst eating related demons that had held onto me my entire life. I won this battle. I kicked vacation ass and took names. I feel fabulous about my accomplishments and how easily I have slipped back into my pre-vacation life.

I have gotten back into the "game" back into stride and am right back where I need to be, mentally, with eating. I am back in my routine of eating every 2-3 hours, two fruits a day, normal portions, plenty of water, fish 2 times a week, exercise and not being food obsessed. This is huge for me. Generally after vacations I would go into "homesick" mode for a couple weeks and then have to really persuade myself, eventually, to get back at it. Not this time. Not this life. Not this me. It is empowering, this control I seem to have mustered up.

When Dewy asked me this morning what else she could do for me, I said "I really don't know" and that felt fantastic. I seemingly have a grip on things. No, not seemingly, I do have a grip on things. My head and thoughts are so much quieter now than they were just a year(ish) ago when I really started persuing help to deal with my food issues. I can remember the torture that it was to stand in line at lunch with all of the questions running through my head, so loud, thunderous, jumbled, screaming, quietly berating me. Now I stand in line and I don't worry about food, other than my choice of lunch, I don't think food related thoughts at all. I have time for other thoughts like "man, I need new shoes to go with this outfit". Let me tell you THAT'S a lot more fun to have swimming in your head. I'll invite thoughts of shoes and shopping to paddle through my brain any old time!

I quit binging. I have quit the binge eating. I no longer binge eat. Binging and me are like oil and vinegar. Binge? Nope, not today! Done with that chapter. Signing off.

I quit hiding my food and eating, hidden in shame. I've stopped it. I will not start again. Ever.

Oh! Speaking of things swimming... I am soon to be that thing swimming! I have decided to start swimming as a form of exercise and found a pool right by my house that opens at 6:30 AM for laps! That means I will be able to ride my bike to the pool, swim, ride my bike home, shower and still make it to work by 9! How's that grab ya? I'm going to start next Monday, three times a week to begin with. I've never, ever swum laps before, so I'm going to ask for a little instruction at the pool but any advice you all can give, feel free! I can swim well, just never in a straight line, under water, with a purpose.

I have more stories to tell, more things I want to share but just not the time today. This will have to do ya!

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks! Thanks for stopping by!

I am BACK!

2011-06-25T10:40:00.000+02:00

We arrived safe and sound back in Amsterdam yesterday morning and WOW! Vacation was AWESOME. It seemed like it lasted forever and that's a good thing.... on most fronts...I was very happy to be home in my own very large, firm bed but mostly, I am just thrilled to be back in my routine in my old environment where I can focus less on food!

I have not weighed myself yet as I am super swollen from the flight and I'm not even really sure if I want to weigh myself. I know I gained, and I don't think it was just a little but that's not the reason I don't want to weigh. I don't want to get on the scale because I am actually really PROUD of how I handled food while I was away and I don't want any number to "ruin" my positive outlook on how these last 3+ weeks played out.

So I don't want to sound braggy like "OMG I was so awesome and did everything perfectly" but I do want to really focus on those accomplishments I did have, rather than wallowing in "OMG, I SUCK" self pity at the things that may not have gone as planned. So here are the great things that happened...

I never once, not even one time, ate until I was sick. That may seem pretty slight to some of you, but as a person who used to spend every day on vacation stuffing herself with American food because "I just can't get this at home", and feeling miserable pretty much all day long, this is a VERY big deal. Seriously, huge.

I went to restaurants for breakfast and didn't order the entire menu. LOL I am a biscuit and gravy freak, love the stuff, but usually I would order that with eggs, and bacon and sausage and a pancake and justify it all with "I can't get this in the Netherlands". This year, DEWY really helped me keep things in perspective. Yes, I can't get a lot of that stuff in the NL but that doesn't mean I have to eat all of it for every meal for three weeks! So one morning I would have a biscuit and gravy. The next morning I would have pancakes (no more than two). The next day it was eggs and bacon. Next day sausage sammy.... I spaced it out. Can you imagine what a HUGE difference in calories that must have made?

I went to some of our favorite restaurants and ordered different, healthier choice items. To be honest with you, within the first week I was already sick of brats on the grill, burgers on the grill, hotdogs and pretty much every greasy, yummy grilled food item I usually drool for. So when we went to our favorite burger joint (Red Robin) I ordered... a chicken salad. LOL It was not expected and I wasn't in "diet" mode but man, I just wanted some crispy greens! I realized then, that we had eaten hardly any veggies with our meals for the first few days, it was just meat meat meat. I made it a point to order salads for a lot of my meals over the three week period and it really didn't seem like I missed out on anything.

The first, of many, trips to Walmart resulted in a HUGE watermelon that I munched on for days. Yum. I didn't manege to eat my two fruits a day on most days, it just didn't happen, but every day I did get in at least one fruit, which made me kind of proud. In the past, fruit was NOT a vacation item. Ever.

One dark cloud with a very silver lining was the DQ. Oh the Dairy Queen, how my family loves you and we showed you this almost every day of vacation by keeping your business alive. Ice cream every day isn't the best choice but I did make smarter choices while there. I tried the mini blizzard and it was just the right amount of everything! I didn't eat banana splits every day, I kept things simple and small. That's a HUGE feat for me! HUGE! And the best part about it is that now that I am at home, I know I'm not going to eat ice cream every single day and I am sooooo okay with that!

I drank tons of water and iced tea. I walked a lot. I didn't get in as much exercise as I had planned but I still did a lot more than usual.

I shopped like there was no tomorrow! I bought sizes that I haven't worn since before Sadie was born. I purged my closet of the items that no longer fit me and things that I don't plan on having fit me by time winter creeps in....

I really feel like vacation, although not perfect, was a huge success for me. I'm not sure if I want the scale to tell me any different and actually I do control that. no matter what the numbers, I won. I overcame so many of my vacationisms that I usually lived by. I succeeded in the USA and I am very, very proud of myself. No number on the scale is going to take THAT away from me.

For now, my life is just going to get back to my routine and I will continue on my path to weight loss!

I hope you all have had very healthy, successful weeks while I've been gone and I look forward to catching up!

drumroll please... the final pre-vacation weigh-in

2011-05-30T06:12:00.000+02:00

drumroll please... the final pre-vacation weigh-in results are in and I tipped the scales at a mere (HA!) 122.4 kilos or 269 lbs! That's a total loss to date of 14.6 kilos or 32.12 lbs! That's a fantastic start to what will be a long journey but it's a really good start to my vacation!

I'll be in the US for a couple of weeks and I'm not sure how often I'll be blogging so hang in there, I'll be right back and can't wait to share how the "experiment" of a weight loss girl coming to America pans out!

I hope you're all having healthy, successful week! See you soon!

Holy Crap! Sorry!

2011-05-25T11:14:00.001+02:00

Thanks to Becklette for her gentle reminder that I have been neglecting my blog!

I guess I just don't know what to say. Nothing is really "new". I am doing well. Things are going brilliantly. I'm just plugging along, doing what I do and the weight is coming off slowly. Lather, rinse, repeat. Oh and I am preparing for a 23 day stint in the USA.

oh, yeah, we can totally talk about that.

It's been a huge subject of discussion with Dewy and I, and in my last session we kind of just left it at "whatever happens, happens". If I gain, it's not the end of the world, and if I lose, then it's just an added bonus. When I get back into my normal life I am going to get right back to everything that works for me and life will go on. I am not going to get back into food obsession, binging, eating, restricting EVER, and especially not while I'm on vacation, so I'm actually pretty mellow (which is an entirely new sensation for me, especially before visiting the US, I used to get so wound up about weight, losing, gaining, etc, so this is very, very new, and, well, kind of cool). I am going to still shoot for my mini-goals (water, fish, fruit) and do what I do while I'm home. I will try to eat normal portions, which is actually the biggest challenge especially when we all know, nothing served to you in the US is a proper portion. And I do mean nothing!

I was, however, totally inspired by my friend Tanja, recently. She is also concentrating on dropping some weight, by similar methods that I am using. She is also an American living in the Netherlands and JUST got back from a US vacation. Being the super star she is, she actually DROPPED a kilo, so 2.2 pounds, whilst in the land of super size! How AWESOME is that! She said that she was just way too busy running to really think about food. Amazing! I am so proud of her and so inspired! That is a huge, huge accomplishment! *standing ovation for Tanja*

I am thinking I may do a little documentary type blogging and maybe even a series of videos while I'm there to keep track of how things are going... I haven't decided how I'll approach it yet, but I don't plan on ignoring you all while I'm gone. Of course, if I disappera for a bit, don't fret, I haven't fallen off the planet just yet. Oh and I will post my pre-vacation weight here before I am off!

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks! Wish me some luck!

what works for me

2011-05-17T10:15:00.000+02:00

As I mentioned before DEWY (my therapist) has said that since I'm doing so well, they will slow down my therapy to being seen once a month and I kind of had a mini "OMG" freakout. I'm doing so well in this little routine and to change that, it's kind of scary. She suggested that maybe I should write down the things that work for me so if I ever feel like I'm sliding back into my old habits and lifestyle, I could take it out of hiding, read it over and bring myself back to where I am now. So I've done that for my appointment on Thursday and I thought I would share that "list" with you all. A lot of it you already know, some of it you may not, but here is what really works for me.

Keep in mind, weight loss is not cookie cutter and what works for me may not work for you (and that's okay!). For instance, I'm a simple cookie, only needing simple ingredients to work. I'm a surprisngly chewy cookie, with a bit of crunch when you first bite, but when you get right down to it, I'm pretty soft, with the occasional lump and bump of chocolatey goodness. I'll get stuck in your teeth and you'll spend the afternoon trying to get me out of your mouth. That's me. You may be a totally different kind of cookie, a nutty cookie, a no bake cookie, a cookie full of a rainbow of candy pieces... and you may need a different kind of mixer/oven/ingredient to be "just right". Find the right mix and the right ingredients to make yourself the best possible you! You'll be deliciously successful once you get that right recipe. (what a horrible analogy for weight loss, right?)

(Sorry this is in all caps. I did it in this neat kind of shadow font in MSWord, which looked cool there but I can't be bothered to change it for the blog. you'll survive, trust me.)

THINGS THAT WORK

EATING EVERY 2-3 HOURS GIVES ME SO MUCH MORE ENERGY THROUGHOUT THE DAY

EATING EVERY 2-3 HOURS KEEPS ME FROM FEELING OVERLY HUNGRY AT ANY TIME WHICH KEEPS ME FROM OVEREATING WHEN I DO EAT.

EATING EVERY 2-3 HOURS TAKES THE GUESS WORK OUT OF “SHOULD I EAT THIS”, IT’S A SIMPLE “YES, IT’S TIME TO EAT” OR “NO, NOT YET”. THIS MAKES IT SO MUCH QUIETER IN MY HEAD. IT IS SIMPLE.

FOLLOWING THIS ROUTINE MAKES ME MORE CALM ABOUT FOOD CHOICES. THE BATTLING IN MY HEAD OVER FOOD IS OVER.

FOLLOWING THIS ROUTINE MAKES MEMORE CONFIDANT TO EAT IN FRONT OF OTHERS AND NOT BE SO PARANOID ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE THINKING OF MY CHOICES.

I NO LONGER HIDE MY EATING OR HAVE THAT SHAME THAT WAS ASSOCIATED WITH HIDING AND EATING.

I NO LONGER BINGE. THERE ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE EVERYTHING THAT THIS MEANS TO ME. THIS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I HAVE CONTROL. I DO HAVE CONTROL.

I KNOW NOW THAT FEELING “FULL” AFTER EATING IS DIFFERENT THAN FEELING “SICK”. I NO LONGER LIKE FEELING “SICK”, WHICH IS HOW I USED TO GAUGE IF I WAS DONE OR NOT. FEELING “SICK” IS NO LONGER ASSOCIATED WITH FEELING GOOD. WHAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD IS NOT FOOD REALTED AT ALL. WELL THAT’S NOT TOTALLY TRUE. FOOD, OR BEING ABLE TO BE AROUND IT LIKE A REGULAR EVERY DAY AVERAGE JOE, THAT MAKES ME HAPPY. HAVING CONTROL OF THIS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER THAN GOOD. IT’S ENORMOUS.

HAVING MINI GOALS WORK FOR ME. SO EVEN IF I DON’T ACCOMPLISH ONE GOAL, THE CHANCES ARE, I’LL STILL HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SOME OF MY OTHERS.

KNOWING THAT I DO NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT HAS MADE THIS EASIER. ASKING MYSELF TO DO 80% OF MY GOAL (AND BEING HAPPY WITH THAT) RATHER THAN KILLING MYSELF TO BE 100% PERFECT ALL TIME HAS HELPED ME RELAX AND AGAIN, BE MORE CALM. NOBODY IS 100% AND THAT’S FINE BY ME. I DON’T WANT TO BE THE FIRST 100% PERFECT PERSON, BECAUSE FRANKLY THAT WOULD BE ANNOYING.

IF ONE OF MY GOALS ENDS UP BACKFIRING, IT’S OKAY. THIS IS ALL JUST A HUGE EXPERIMENT TO FIND THAT BEST “FIT” FOR MY LIFE AND MY LIFESTYLE, WHICH WILL CHANGE AND EVOLVE AS I DO. I DON’T HAVE TO BE SO STUBORN TO THINK “THIS WAS MY GOAL AND I HAVE TO ACCOMPLISH IT”. I CAN HAVE THINGS THAT DON’T WORK AND THAT’S OKAY.

EXERCISING IS CIRCULAR. IT GIVES ME MORE ENEGRY. THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, WHICH MAKES ME EAT BETTER, WHICH MAKES ME FEEL ENERGETIC WHICH MAKES ME WANT TO BE MORE PHYSICALLY ACTIVE.

29.9 is the new 30, right?

2011-05-09T12:08:00.000+02:00

29.9 is considered 30 in most cases isn't it? I mean, if somebody gave me 29.9 jelly beans I would say they gave me 30 jelly beans (and I'd toss the .9 away because, what actually happened to the rest of that little bean, did you lick it?). If I bought a new sweater for $29.90, I would say I paid $30 for it. In most cases I can think of, I would consider 29.9 an even 30, so why in the world am I having such a hard time saying....

I have made my goal of losing 30 pounds by the end of May as of this very morning, May 9th 2011!!!!!

I want to shout it from the rooftops, I want to celebrate, feel awesome, smirk at myself in the mirror whilst giving myself that "that's right, you did it" look but I am holding back a bit. Why is the 0.1 having such a strong hold over me?!?!? It's ridiculous isn't it? ISN'T IT!?!?!?

So that's it, it's official, I'm marking this one with a "w" for WIN!

I weighed in with 123.4 kilos or 271.48 lbs (271.5, dare I?). That's a 13.6 kilo loss to date! It's a 29.9, awww screw it, a 30 pound loss!!!

I cannot believe I made it to my first goal! And I did it with 3 weeks to spare! I am so proud of myself. These next three weeks I am going to just continue to do what I've been doing and if I drop some extra weight, great, but if not, I still accomplished what I set out to do. Wow! What a fantastic feeling!

My next appointment with Dewy is May 19th and I am going to stay off of the scale until then. I don't want it to be my main focus or motivation, especially right now when I am feeling so positive and forward-moving. As long as I can stick to what I know, I will be okay!

Man, 30 pounds! I can't quit saying it! 30 pounds!

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Neglected

2011-05-07T15:34:00.000+02:00

That must be how my blog feels... soooo neglected, but I can assure you, I am still very much here and very much participating in my weight loss life!

Things have been going so well for me lately that I kind of don't know what else to say. It's bizarro to think that you may be bored with hearing about continued successful moments, but in reality, it's always the train wrecks that catch our attention. Fortunately, I'm not really train wreck material (right now) and things are pretty steady. I'm still following the plan of eating every 2-3 hours, exercising 3-4 times a week, not binging, not obesssing and just trying to be a normal, functioning human. That's working out!

I did have a monumental moment last weekend though. We took my daughter, Sadie to Chimpy Champ. It's one of those places where kids can climb, run, jump, play, slide and do whatever else they want until they exhaust themselves. Back at the beginning of my journey at Novarum, with Dewy, I had gone to Chimpy Champ with Sadie and ended up sitting on the sidelines waving at her and Marco climb and play while I smiled happily and silently cried, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't climb with them. I was too big. I all but got stuck before giving up and taking my place as spectator in my daughters life.

But this time around, I could play. I even climbed up to the highest point and waved down at her and Marco. I jumped on the trampolines like a child. I bruised my knees weaving in and out of the tubes that just months ago (literally, about 8 or 9 months ago) I couldn't even think of fitting into without getting stuck. I had the absolute BEST time.

I could feel my muscles working as I pulled myself up the wall climb. I could feel my biceps burning as I held on tight to the ropes. I could feel my quads quading (or whatever it is they do) as I climbed up through the mazes of boards, wires and nets. I probably would have cried again, happy tears of joy, had I not been so busy absorbing up every second of Sadie's smile and laughter as we played together.

It was and continues to be these moments that she and I can really, really play together, not just me watching, that makes any effort I am making worthwhile. She deserves a Mommy who can run behind her, chase her, push her (forward, not down!), climb with her... and I am working so hard to be that Mommy. It felt fantastic. I was beyond happy. I felt proud. I am doing this!

I hope you all are having happy, successful weeks!

I'm just your average Joe.

2011-04-25T15:49:00.000+02:00

I'm going to have to brag a little, so, you've been fairly warned. Easter would usually be a day that I would use as an excuse to forget everything I learned, forget everything I was doing and gorge myself on whatever was around, in mass quantities. "But it's a holiday" I would say to justify eating the ears off of my second or third chocolate rabbit, even if I wasn't hungry. I'd go to the party knowing exactly how I would leave...stuffed. That's what the holiday is about, isn't it? At least that's what it always had been about for me.

This time around was different though. I am no longer the Sarah of Easter Past, I am a brand spanking new kind of Sarah Bunny with an entirely different approach to food and holidays (I do still wear my "Bunny in training" badge though, I'm not comfy claiming "cured" just yet).

This Easter holiday I tried to be very thoughful of what I was doing (and trying to accomplish) and what I have discussed with Dewy, and I went into the holiday like any other day.

That morning I stuck to my usual routine. I ate every 2-3 hours up until we were at my brother and sister in laws house, where I knew I would be thrown off course. It's here that a lesson I learned at my last two appointments with Dewy came into play. I knew (and know) that I will be put in situations where it is "time to eat" before it is MY time to eat. My problem is, I don't want to draw attention to myself by NOT eating because then you get into big discussions of "why aren't you eating" or "Oh you're on a DIET" (God forbid) or just other uncomfortable things that people can say that make you feel self conscious. I want to avoid that. And honestly, I do want to eat with everybody else. It is part of the celebration of being together, sharing food and enjoying one another's company and why SHOULDN'T I do that?

So I did.

I brought a dill dip and tons of fresh veggies and sourdough bread and I snacked on that with everybody else. I kept in mind some of the tips that I read in the book Mindless Eating (great read, by the way, highley recommend it) and walked away from the area where the food was kept and concentrated on the conversation and what was happening elsewhere. By time lunch rolled around, I ate a normal portion of food and that was it. Done deal. No pants exploding, no miserable stomach ache from stuffing myself, just a normal, average, every day "I just ate my meal" feeling.

In fact, I haven't made myself sick from eating in ages... months upon months... I haven't rubbed my belly and said "OMG I'm going to puke" in a very, very long time. And although I say it with a smirk, it's actually a pretty big deal. I've taken a lifetime habit that I can trace back to my childhood and stopped it. I have stopped it. That's massive. It's not just a little thing, it's really, truely massive. Everything I knew about eating and being "full" has finally been redefined for me. I am eating like a normal, every day, average human.

It has never felt so good to be so average. Just your everyday, average Joe here. Nice to meet you!

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter or Passover and I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks.

I'm a terrible cheater, the guilt, oh the guilt! I confess!

2011-04-19T21:15:00.000+02:00

All my life I've been a horrible liar. I stammer, I turn red, I stutter, I stumble... I may as well have bells and whistles going off behind me with a huge arrow hovering over my head saying "liar! liar! liar!". Cheating is along the same lines as lying, it's just in another form and just like with telling untruths, I feel guilty as sin and feel the need to confess... here... to you...right now.

I cracked. I just couldn't stand no knowing anymore. I...

(wait for it)....

stepped on the scale!

Yes, I know, I know, I am supposed to be "weighing blind" and that it's been going so well. And yes I know that Dewy said for me just to try it for a while to see how it goes and if it really is something that would work for me (not against me) and yes, it has been working but I just couldn't STAND it anymore. I hadn't weighed-in in eons (okay so it'd only been a couple of week but still, it FELT a lot longer considering I used to bounce on and off the scale daily) but I just couldn't hack it anymore. I mean, even my blog is called Weighing-IN, isn't it? I was feeling great, my clothes were loser and I just had to know what I weighed. I had to know!

So, the question is, do you wanna know? Do you wanna know what I weighed? Are you half as excited to find out as I am to tell you? Are ya? Well are you?!?!?!?

Good. Now that you are mentally prepared, get ready to feast (or famine) your eyes on this:

I'm at 125 kilos or 275 pounds!!!! That's 12 kilos or a little over 26 pounds GONE! That's taking a 137 kilo or 301 pound woman and shrinking her by doing nothing more than having a plan and a routine! 26 pounds GONE!

Needless to say, and as if you couldn't tell by the tone of this post, I am elated. Some may think "you're still 275 fleshy pounds of woman, what are you so happy about" but those people can kiss my fleshy rear! It's not the numbers so much as the entire experience on the whole that has me hootin and a hollerin. It's just been brilliant and I cannot say enough times how happy I am that I made the decision to get help when I really, really felt I needed it. Maybe it's not for everybody (and maybe it's not for you) but man-o-man it is the magic key for me and it feels awesome.

So here's the plan, I'm going to keep plugging along, a day at a time and stick to what I know and stick to what is working. The weather has been gorgeous here lately and I've been walking at lunch and sneaking in evening bike rides with the family, so I think things are just going in the totally right direction for me.

And I can only wish the same is happening for all of you. I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks!

The Voices in my Head

2011-04-10T00:00:00.000+02:00

I talk on here a lot about the "voices in my head" when it comes to exercise, eating and decision making. Back in 2006 I wrote this funny post about good Sarah Vs. Evil Sarah and after re-reading it I realized a couple things:

1) I have always, always struggled internally with what I should do and what I feel like doing.
2) I sometimes sound like a raving lunatic and openly share that with others. Should I be concerned? Nah!
3) My voices have hit puberty, changed and matured.

Yes, they hit puberty, changed and matured.

I no longer hear kicking and screaming adolescent voices battling it out for "do we eat it, don't we eat it, yes we eat it, no we shouldn't eat it, have it, don't have it, of course you can, no you can't". Thank GOD we (me and the voices) have gotten out of the terrible two's, past the tweens, survived teenage angst and have finally moved into young adult hood. With the help of Dewy and Novarum, those kids have grown up, settled down and become just much more mellow creatures. They're still ever present, but no where near as sassy as they used to be.

I guess because I have a plan, and I stick to that plan and it takes so much of the guess work out of things, hence quieting everything down a bit. My nagging questions went from "oh my God if I eat that ice cream will everybody stare at me" to a much more calm (and less negative) "if I were a normal, rational human being, would I eat ice cream with my child on this sunny day". (the answer to the second half being yes, but if it were just me, passing McDonald's drive thru and wondering that same question, the answer would be no).

I'm not trying to figure out if it will "ruin" anything or how long I can go without eating, I'm just simply trying to see if that's what a normal, average, run of the mill "Jane" would. I'm also making sure that when I do eat, it's within my time frames (so no sooner than two hours from the last time I ate and no later than 3 hours since the last time I ate).

It just amazes me that such simple, easy changes have made such an enormous impact on me. And I'm not using words like "enormous impact" for dramatization... I honestly feel like such a very different person than the one that was writing this blog just a year ago. I am in such a different place, mentally. And those voices, those battling voices of good and evil... they've shut their yaps for the most part.

And maybe you guys won't even get this or won't even understand because maybe you've not had the same battles with yourself in your head, but it used to be that standing in line waiting to pay for my food at lunchtime was one of the most intense, draining experiences of my day (or the grocery store, eeeekkkk!). God, the decisions, the temptations, the self doubt, the criticism of myself and the criticism of others (or so I would imagine), the dialogue would just go on and on, endlessly. Even after I made my purchases it would continue. This was all day long, every meal, every snack, every decision. I was so overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions about food and eating. I was constantly in the middle of this terrible battle and I was not winning.

Now, I can walk in, know that I will make a good decision, know that I am okay, know that nobody is really judging me (and if they are a big F.U. to you, because you obviously have no clue what I'm doing or have done, or what I'm about to do) and I can sit down, eat my lunch and read a book. I can read a book! Not that you should be surprised that I am literate (HAHA) but that I can stop arguing in my head long enough to actually relax a read. And that's it. Quietly. No arguments. No fuss. No guilt. No battles. Nothing. I'm just a normal person, eating a normal lunch on a normal day.

This revolution and evolution has been ___________, what? What has it been? Life changing? Yes. Overwhelming in a positive way? Yes. Phenomenal? Yes. Subtle? YES!

Just feeling calm, in control and normal, it's more, to me, than I can ever put into words for you.

I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks.

As promised, some progress pics

2011-04-03T18:34:00.000+02:00

So this was me "before", in May 2010. I believe this dress is a Dutch size 54, which is about a 24/26 in US sizes, depending up on the store.

This is me this morning. This is the jacket (size 18/20) that I have had hanging in my closet for years and just couldn't fit into for the longest time (years). The pants are size 24, but they are one size too big so I assume I am in a US size 22. Unfortunately I don't have any 22's to try on to see how they fit.

The obligatory goofy side pose, foot kick.

And this is another size 18/20 jacket that I've been waiting to wear and luckily I fit in them during the right season!

And there you have it, proof that I really do exist!

Hope you are all having healthy successful weekends!

Shoes anyone?

2011-03-31T23:12:00.000+02:00

I went to a podiatrist today because I've been having foot pain for, oh, about a year, and I finally got worried enough that I was doing damage to my feet that I asked for a referral. He said I had very high arches, which in a lot of people, causes them to walk on the outsides of their feet, which I do. So now he's making me inserts for my shoes but I really would like to buy some shoes that are good for feet with high arches that don't look like I'm an 89 year old retiree (which is what I found when googling).

I told him I had such a hard time finding shoes to fit me because my feet are big (size 10US, 42 EU), wide (double wide, really) and tall (meaning the top of my foot is high, I guess due to the high arch) and he pretty much said "yeah, it's hard". LOL Thanks buddy! He was a really funny, nice guy though.

I used to buy tons of shoes all of the time thinking "maybe these won't kill my feet" only to be peeling them off of my tootsies an hour later as I hobble around in pain. I really, really dislike it. I will find so many cute shoes, especially summer sandals that I would just LOVE to wear and when I try to put them on I look like a giant stuffing their feet into a child's shoe. It's ridiculous.

I've also been reading that people with high arches should stay away from heels as much as possible because it just puts more strain on the already strained areas. Fine by me, I can't walk in the suckers anyway, but I do work in the corporate world and I do need to be able to dress professionally with professional shoes! I've been getting away with wearing my trainers at work but it looks so silly and makes me so self conscious.

So to finally get around to what I'm asking. If you have high arches, what kind of dress shoes do you wear and what kind of trainers do you find work best for you.

I get my custom made insoles next week, so it should be interesting to see how it works out!

SCORE!!!!!

2011-03-30T10:35:00.000+02:00

I've been feeling kind of awesome lately so I thought I'd try on some of my "old" jackets I have hanging in my closet that haven't fit in for ages. Literally it's been YEARS since I've been able to wear them but they're so cute (and were expensive!) that I cannot give them away or get rid of them, always having it in the back of my mind that "someday they will fit again". They're size 18/20 and I've been wearing 24/26. Well, "someday they will fit again" is today. I put on those two jackets this morning and they not only fit, they look AWESOME. I cannot believe it. I seriously had no idea I was at that point yet. I'm still wearing all of my 24/26 clothes and I knew they were baggy and not looking so hot but I had no idea that I would fit into those sizes already. I expected a "pull" in the arms, or a squeeze here or there, but they fit. Well.

I will admit though, my top half seems to be losing more than my bottom. I cannot fit into my 20's in jeans and I no longer own a size 22, so I'm still wearing my 24's, which look awful. Really awful. I'm going to have to rectify that situation soon!

I'll take some pictures over the weekend with me in the jackets so you guys can see! Yipee!!!

I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

A (wo)man with a plan!

2011-03-26T22:26:00.000+01:00

If you don't realize it, let me just give you a quick rundown of 'me'. I'm an American woman, living in the Netherlands. I've been in the NL since 2004 and get back "home" about once a year. I look forward to this time for months and months before I go. I have countdowns a hundred days in advance, just ticking off the moments until I am with my family and friends.

What you may or may not realize is that every time I go "home" I start planning, months ahead of time, to lose at least 5-10 pounds so I can gain it while I'm in the US of A. A little messed up to think that way? Sure, I'll give you that, but it makes sense in my head. I mean, surely I couldn't be expected to stick to any sort of plan, routine or regimen while on vacation, while in the US, while surrounded by my home country's newest national pass time.... cooking and eating?!?!?

This year I am planning a June trip back to the US and mentioned it in passing at my last appointment with Dewy and told her my usual mode of operation.

Apparently, that's not how we're going to approach vacation in the US this time around, or ever again. She pointed out the fact that I probably strictly "dieted" for the weeks leading up to my trip basically setting myself up for a bunch of binges while I'm there. (man, was she RIGHT there).

My palms got sweaty as I realized she was getting ready to tell me that I wouldn't be eating Cheesecake Factory Cheesecake (which is my alltime favorite food in the entire world, ever, ever. ever). She was going to tell me that I wouldn't be enjoying my cousin Mark's smoked ribs, that I couldn't *gasp* (sorry, I had to brace myself for this one) visit the Dairy Queen! God I just knew it, I knew it in my head that she was getting ready to boss me around, preach it to me like the sinner I was, and give me the verbal lashing even before I did anything! God I hated it!

And then she shocked the devil out of me when she said "well why wouldn't you enjoy the foods you love when you were home?"

Me, queen of witty retorts, snappy comebacks and sarcasm galore, didn't have an answer. I just sat there... gobsmacked.

And she really meant it! Why shouldn't I eat the foods I enjoy while I'm home?

So, we are actually going to make a plan. I'm going to go on vacation and keep living the life I am living now. That seems very simple and kind of "duh" but I've actually never done that before. I am still going to try to reach all of my mini goals that I have made (fish three times a week, at least a liter of water every day, fruit twice a day etc) because those things are simple, tiny and not really a big deal. That's the beauty in making small, even subtle, changes... they're easy to keep up with no matter where you are or what the situation is. And again, I won't be striving for perfection but I will try to get as close as I can without getting obsessed.

I AM going to eat my dad's pizza and his potato salad. No, I won't eat them in the mass quantities that I have eaten them in the past but hell yeah I'm going to eat them. Mostly because Dewy said I could.

I'm going to have Cheesecake. I am going to savor, enjoy, feel, love and BE the Cheesecake. I'm not going to eat it willynilly by huge forkfulls, I am going to really become one with the cheesecake. I will take tiny bites of the cool, thick, sweet confection and feel it dance down my tongue to my tummy. Okay so this is a little dramatic, a little overboard but really, I am going to have it and I really am going to think about it and enjoy it in the moment. Dewey said I could.

She also asked me to make a list of all of the wonderful, "home" items that I am looking forward to indulging in while I am in the US and bring it to our next meeting. I'm not 100% sure of what we'll do with the list once I have it but I am going to make the list like a good student and see where we go from there.

I am so excited to know that I am not running to the US blind, with every intention of gaining weight while I'm there. I am glad that I won't have those guilty feelings that I always have while I'm there, eating until I'm sick and afterwards when I return home and see the damage. I am thrilled that I don't have to worry about the period when I get back and have to get "back down" to where I was pre-vacation. I won't have that guilt. I won't have that depression (at least from food, I will still be sad that I'm no longer there) surrounding the very idea of "man, if I can't do it while on vacation then can I really do it". I don't have to worry about feeling stuffed. I don't have to worry about binging. Just knowing I will have a plan and it will be a plan that I can live with has already made my vacation and the weeks following so much more enjoyable, and I haven't even left the Netherlands.

If I haven't said it before, and I'm pretty sure I haven't, I am beyond thrilled that I made the decision to get help for my disorderly eating. I am glad I didn't give up on the clinic even after the rocky start. I am proud that I am following this through, being open to suggestions and taking everything on board. I am very happy to be in the place that I am in right now and that's a pretty big deal. A really big deal.

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Wii Fit Coach is kicking my booty

2011-03-26T21:36:00.000+01:00

Just this week I've come to the realization that my Wii Fit Coach can do so much more than just simple aerobic workouts. I always just automatically clicked to "cardio" skipping (or grapevining) right past all of the other options.

The other day I took my time when logging in and listened to what my coach was actually saying and read the script that said "Coach's recommendation for today has a star by it" and sure enough, there in the list of workout choices was a little while star by "lower body" so I thought "why the heck not".

I'll be honest here, I've actually started looking closer at the program because I've been a bit bored with my workouts with the coach. There is only so much cardio-in-the-living-room a girl can do before she starts dreaming of sweating it off in other ways. That's how I stumbled upon my other workouts and I haven't been bored since!

I still get in cardio, it starts with the normal warm up and I think 15 minutes of the regular cardio workout, which at my size, works up a nice little glisten, but then you do the last half with strength training, either upper body, lower body, flexibility or a couple other choices that I can't remember right now and that is when the fun begins. I've been doing planks, yoga poses, lunges, side leg lifts and a plethora of other butt kicking-muscle tiring-toes are sweating - moves and it's been awesome.

Back when I did have a gym member ship, many years (and one child) ago, my favorite part wasn't on the treadmill, or the elliptical machine or the bike or any cardio machine... my favorite part was the weigh lifting and the body pump classes. Finding these little gems on my own home workout game, that doesn't require me to pay a monthly fee or leave my house, has been wonderful and a total motivational boost.

I feel so tired when I am done with these workouts that it makes me beam with pride. THIS is what I loved about my workouts back in '06 - '07, the feeling that I've not only moved, but I mooooooooooved. I am really looking forward to getting better at the strength training and seeing my body change like I know it will.

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Nutritionist - CHECK!

2011-03-22T09:51:00.000+01:00

I saw the nutrionist for the first time yesterday and I was really just so nervous. There is no valid reason why I should have been nervous. I know I have been eating on time and making fairly decent choices but I just had it all in my head that she was going to be a total boetch to me and try to make me eat crap that I didnt like or didn't want to eat (like Dutch people are totally into eating sandwiches for breakfast and lunch and I get SICK of it so I throw in the occasional bowl of oatmeal now and then).

Firstly, I walked in and when I met her I was surprised at her age. She looked about 20, which is fine, but when I think "nutritionist" I think older, grey haired woman for some reason. She was really bright and cheery, so that put me at ease a little. I was thinking more along the lines of school marm and got school girl instead!

Then we started going over my food log that I had emailed her earlier in the week, so she could look it over before our appointment (and make big red checkmarks on all of the things I've been doing "wrong", said my head). I was so surprised when she was so positive with all of the changes I have been making! There was no red pen, no frowny faces, none of that, just some really constructive Q&A's and useful feedback. Her only "concern" is that I am drinking too much diet coke, and I assumed this already, so I am going to try to cut down to one can a day. Currently I am drinking 1-2 cans at lunchtime and then at home (hide your eyes for those who are weak at heart) I probably drink 3 - 8oz glasses in the evening. So cutting it down to one can a day is going to be a challenge but when I started this whole thing I said I would do as they ask and at least give it a shot, so that's what I am doing. I used to drink only water all day long when I was in the US so once I get past the initial shock of it all, I think I'll be alright.

I shared with her that I had been experiencing frequent heartburn and she told me that the increase in water that I made was probably a little overboard (I was drinking 4 - 8oz glasses between 9AM and lunch and then more after lunch) which was what was causing my heartburn. I should still drink water, just not in mass quantities. Noted.

She answered the couple of questions about portion sizes and meal sizes that I had and was just really positive about everything I've been doing. I was so relieved! I left feeling so great about this entire experience with Novarum (minus the bit of a rough start)!

I am going to see her again in a month just to touch base with how it's going on the "less soda" front and answer any more questions I may have. Whew! That's one more thing I can check off of my list of "scary things that I don't want to do but know I have to". Nutritionist - CHECK!

Pants on the Ground

2011-03-19T22:13:00.000+01:00

This post over on Fat Girl Dives In, besides being hilarious, also reminded me what I forgot to share with you all. Over the past two weeks my pants (24 avergae Lane Bryant) are literally falling off of me. I don't own a belt (when you have a booty like mine, you don't need belts, usually) and I am hiking my jeans up every other step when I'm walking around. I don't have the budget or time to do any clothes shopping right now (keep in mind, plus size clothing in the Netherlands SUCK and finding a nice looking pair of pants is nearly impossible) so I have just kind of been hoping that nobody has noticed. A couple of my shirts are also going in the donation pile.

After several "you have poopy butt" comments over the last month or so Marco finally gave me the final push by stating "I am going to take those jeans and your other pair and burn them, so you better buy some new ones soon". My colleague also gently asked me last week "Sarah, can I just climb in your pants with you?"

Okay people, I get it. I need new pants. I just hate spending money on transition clothes but I know it's a must and it's part of the process so next week a shopping I will go. No need to burn anything. I can think of worse reasons to need to shop!

So much to share

2011-03-19T21:46:00.002+01:00

There is always so much I want to share as the week drags on but finding time to write shorter posts through the week just hasn't happened lately. I have the "gift" of being long winded the way it is without gathering all of my weight loss ammo up and blasting you with it in one go, but alas, this is how it has to be right at this moment.

That said, here is this weeks post!

I've been telling you about making little mini goals for myself and keeping track of them on my dry erase board. Well I thought I'd take a snapshot of my actual board in action to give those visual readers something to look at. Taking a picture of a silver board proved to be more difficult than I expected. Like 10 shots later I finally said "screw it, good enough" and this is what you got.

So what you're looking at is my 7 week planner. The dates that have the "E" in them are days I am to exercise. Up there at the left you have the "key" as well as my starting (for the seven week, not all-time) weight. I get a star every day I exercise, I get a water droplet every time I drink my three bottles of water at work. I get a fishy every time I eat fish (goal is to eat fish three times a week). I get a smiley face every time I eat "on plan" meaning every 2-3 hours, 2 pieces of fruit a day and no binges. That little piggy bank there on the right is my Eurofantje (euro elephant, I guess it's cuter if you speak Dutch), every day I get a smiley face, my Eurofantje gets a euro. At the end of my 7 weeks if I make 80% of my goals, I get to spend what is in my Eurofantje on something for myself! So again, I don't have to be perfect, just 80% "really good". It leaves myself room for error, take the pressure off from trying to be superwoman and I can really enjoy and appreciate the efforts I am making. There on the upper right hand corner are my stats from last month.

This dry erase board resides on my dresser in my bedroom. I see it every single morning as I'm choosing socks to wear that day. It's in my direct line of vision and is a constant, but not nagging, reminder of my goals for the day. It seems simple, it may even seem childish to some, but drawing those little images is one of the highlights of my day. Seeing the calendar fill up as my weeks chug along, that makes me proud and it a great motivator.

I also realize that I haven't shared any recent picture of myself or progress pictures. I think that's what makes other weight loss blogs interesting, to actually see some pictures. I didn't take a picture for you tonight because I look like complete crapola and Marco isn't here to help me so I thought I'd look into my folders and find a recent one for you all. Low and behold, I realized that I have deleted every single unflattering photo of me (meaning any that shows my body "as it is") so I came up with the below shots that were taken while we were in Illinois last November, so really, not too too old. In this first one Sadie is kind of hiding my body, but you get the general idea. (that's my kiddo and hubby there too!)

Here is a better full body shot, so you can get a better idea of what I look like standing up (you can also scroll down to the bottom of the page there on the right and I have a shot of me standing, last May while on vacation). Either way, you get the general idea.

I have decided that I am going to go ahead and follow Dewy's advice (Dewy is my therapist for those new readers who have recently joined *waving hi*) and keep weighing in blind and this time, with follow through. When I started at Novarum to get help with my Disorderly Eating I made a promise to myself that I would do what they said, follow their guidelines blindly and give everything they asked of me a real shot. So even if it makes me a bit uneasy and it's not exactly blog world friendly not to post weekly weights, I'm not only doing this for entertainment value (assuming you're being entertained). I am doing this for me. It's important and I want to really give it my all. Dewy also made a really good point, that I only got on the scale last time to look (when I was supposed to be weighing in blind) because I was feeling some emotion, some nervous emotion and instead of dealing with what that emotion was, I let the scale tell me how I should feel. Who can argue with that rock solid case? Not I! So I'm not sure when I will know what my actual weight is but I will continue posting on my other weight loss goals.

Exercise, it's getting easier. I'm still only working out in my home and only with the Wii but it's getting less "Oh my God I'm going to die" and moving right along into the "Gosh I'm burning up, oh, only 14 minutes left, that wasn't so bad" phase. My favorite workouts right now are the Wii Fitness Coach and the Wii Just Dance 2. I do 30 minutes of cardio workout with the Coach and it can get a bit monotonous but I really sweat, work hard and feel good afterwards. With the Just Dance 2, I really work up a sweat, I thoroughly enjoy the music and dancing and I tend to work out longer, like 50 minutes, but the waiting in between songs while the next one loads up can get irritating and you lose momentum. I even tossed around the idea of doing a 45 minute workout with the Fitness Coach but the last thing I want to do is ruin the good thing I have going by pushing myself too hard.

I have tons more to say but I'm sure I've reached my .02 limit for this post so I'll leave it at that. I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Hello Monday, hello weigh-in

2011-03-14T22:03:00.000+01:00

So I made a deal with Dewy that I wouldn't weigh myself at all for like a 6 week time span as an experiment. I could still weigh in at my appointments with her, but I had to weigh in blind, meaning only she saw it (she doesn't actually blind me, which could cause some sort of law suit I'm sure). This started about a month ago and I just had Marco update my stats on the right side bar there and didn't peek.

The point of the exercise was to see how well I could do without the influence of the numbers. It worked fantastic the first couple of weeks because I was on track, feeling great, meeting all of my little mini goals almost every day and no matter what that scale may have said, I felt in my body that I was doing well. This positive momentum was an amazing boost every day!

Well, I think this is 6 weeks into it and I caved. I totally 100% caved. I couldn't stand it. First I couldn't stand it because I felt fabulous, was getting compliments left and right about losing weight and looked like the star of my own hip-hop video with my baggy pants fallin down, showing some crack. I was so curious as to what the numbers said. Then my mood changed, life changed, like it always does, I had a stressful, jam pack week at work and I freaked because I just knew I was back at 301 lbs. I just knew that I had somehow transported myself all the way back up to 301 lbs and I was going to have to start all over.

So I peeked. And I was wrong. Very wrong. I did not gain every ounce back in a weeks time period, which of course, all of you already knew because you're logical people. I have actually, surprisingly, hit the 20 pound mark. In the negative. I've lost 20 POUNDS!!!! Funnily enough I have lost 20.02 (as in weighing in with my .02) pounds if you want to get all technical about it.

WOOOFREAKINGWHOOOOOO!!!!!!

So now I'm not sure which direction to turn. Do I go back to weighing blind? Do I continue on with my weekly weigh ins? I do like to be able to update you guys every week with "what the scale said" because let's face it, it's a weight loss blog, not a "let's see how Sarah's day went" blog but I don't know if anybody really noticed that I wasn't posting numbers (except on the side bar) as long as I was posting other weight loss related posts. The blind weigh-ins really did make me less number obsessed, especially when you know that scale can have an atttude and hold a grudge even when you've been a stellar performer!

I'll discuss it Wednesday with Dewy and see what she suggests. If any of you have any opinions as to reading a weekly result or if you're just happy to check it there on the right, feel free to comment and chime in with you .02.

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks!

Meet Kara, Josh and little Brecken

2011-03-10T09:39:00.000+01:00

Hi everybody! I just wanted to take a quick second of your time to pass on some information for a very dear friend of mine, Kara. As you all know, Marco and I struggled with infertility for years before being blessed with our little Sadie. It was via that struggle that I was fortunate enough to meet and become friends with Kara.

Kara, Josh and Brecken are a happy family of three who are looking to become a family of four via adoption. If you would happen to know anybody who is currently making that very difficult, selfless decision of adopting their baby into a home of a loving family, please pass Kara, Josh and Brecken's information along. Their information can be found online here, as well as contact details.

Infertility has stolen so many things from so many people, but it has also given us the ability to understand the full capacity of our hearts in ways which otherwise, we would not have known.

Suck it up!

2011-03-08T22:15:00.000+01:00

That was the outcome of yesterday's "I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna" foot-stomping, baby fit. Today, when faced with my calendar taunting me with that big excited "E" for "exercise" I sucked it up and I did it.

And, as predicted yesterday, the good voice in my head out-shouted the naughty, slothful voice in my head (but, I do have to give him props, he kept chattering away right up until the end) and I went ahead and worked a full 35 minute workout. I didn't even intend to stop at 35 minutes but my poor little Sadie baby has a cold and was up screaming in her bed. The Mommy voice trumps ALL other voices, always and forever.

I really didn't feel like working because I was so tense from the last couple of days at work but exercising actually released that tension and now my body, although tired and stinky, feels better than any amount of relaxing on the couch could have caused it to feel.

So we're off to a good positive start this week! I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Oh how I want to be inspiring...

2011-03-07T22:01:00.000+01:00

Oh how I want to be inspiring with this post but jeezopete I am just not feeling it. It's not gonna happen. It's just not. And that's okay. This blog has never been about me being miss merry sunshine blowing smoke up your wazoo to make you think this is simple, easy, fun, perfect or great (although many times it is every single one of those things).

Nothing is "wrong" per say, I'm just feeling very overwhelmed at this moment. This would be a moment when I would also feel the need to binge. On everything. And anything. Especially sweets. Pie, by the pie load. Cakes, by the layers. Brownies by the pan. These are my "go to" binge foods. Or at least they were.

But I'm not going to do that this time around. I may not eat perfectly but I refuse to binge. I'm just so ready to be "done" with that whole cycle, that I just stubbornly refuse to do it anymore. No more stuffing myself sick because I've had a rotten (ROTTEN) day at work. No more eating until I feel like throwing up (and then thinking "well, maybe I should make myself throw up"). No more. I'm just ready to never go down that road again. I'm ready to look behind me and wave "so long sucka" to that person on that wickedly addictive path. I'm ready and I will have to admit, it is largely attributed to my sessions with Dewy and the progress I have been making there. This is how I felt when I stopped smoking too (back in 2004). I was just fed up with it and I was ready to be done. I haven't had a single cigarette since and I'm done binging. I'm calling it quits. I didn't think I would ever feel this way in my entire life but I really feel kind of "over it".

I'm not claiming total victory over every facet of the mental weight loss game but I'm pretty sure that I've won this round. Sarah 1 - Binge 0.

And this would typically be a moment when I would stop exercising because all I really want to do it snuggle up in bed and be "unbusy". After a long, mentally challenging day the last thing I want to do is come home and sweat my guts out, listen to that Fitness Coaches witty banter as she tries to prod me into one more round of kicks, squats or jumping jacks and work out. That "just do it' is something I still need to master.

Luckily tonight was my night off but I'm wondering, if tomorrow is a repeat of today, will I really come home and sweat? I would love to say "heck yeah you will Sarah, you can do it, think of all of those lovely endorphins running through your veins making you feel like a bazillion bucks" but right now, what I'm really thinking is "yeah, I'm totally not moving tomorrow". It's almost claiming defeat before I'm really defeated.

Maybe I'll make a deal with myself (I do this quite often, the voices in my head love to gamble) and say that tomorrow if I am still feeling lousy, I can work out for only 15 minutes but I have to at least do those 15. I can totally live with that. It's not being totally schleppy (yes, that's a word, in my vocab at least) or letting myself totally off of the hook but it's also not being an exercise Nazi. Win-win, no?

And, I know myself well enough to know that if I do 15 minutes of it, about 6 minutes into the whole sweaty mess I'll start to feeling good and continue on for at least 30 minutes. Even as I type this one side of me is saying "you're sooooo not doing more than 15 minutes" but you know, if I don't, that's really okay. Because I said it is. And I am the boss of me.

Let's hope today is not a repeat and that whole thing becomes a totally moot point (moot was for you Keith!).

I hope you're all having healthy, successful and inspiring weeks!

Distractions

2011-03-03T11:49:00.000+01:00

Yikes! I've been M.I.A. a lot longer than intended! No worries though, things are going super well! I'm feeling good, accomplishing my mini goals and fielding "have you lost weight" comments left and right.

Dewy asked me to come up with a list of distractions for myself to use when it isn't quite "time to eat" but I am getting that familiar "I'm bored therefore I'm hungry" type of feeling. I'm sure you all know it well! I have a little list at home already but I want to know what do YOU do to distract yoruself from food and mindless grazing?

Here are just a few things I've managed to come up with:
dust the house (this always needs done!)
paint my nails
read a book
walk the dog
play with Sadie
dishes/laundry
sort old photos
brush my teeth (not that I don't do this anyway, but a clean mouth staves off hunger for me)
WRITE IN MY BLOG!

I will need to have distractions for any time of day, so at work, on the weekends, 2am... you name it, I'll need a distraction. So let me know what you think!

uber quick catch-up

2011-02-25T11:59:00.000+01:00

This week has been insanely busy at work so I haven't had much time to blog at all. I am doing well, keeping up the weight loss spirit, my food log and the whole she-bang. I have slacked a bit on my exercising, only doing it three times a week rather than four, but I will still meet my goal that I set for myself to make at least 80% of my workouts!

Geesh, I wish I had more time to say and actually more things to tell you but right now it's very solid and steady going. Not much to report.

Don't forget to read my post below and donate (or repost on your own blogs) if you can! She only has until March 5th to meet her $500 goal and she isn't halfway there yet.

Hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

A little help?

2011-02-22T15:39:00.000+01:00

See that woman there with the red hair? Well, she's about to shave it all off to make a very BOLD statement and raise money for a very good cause, Children's Cancer Research. That woman is also my sister. Our brother was the inspiration, as he will also be shaving his head for this very worthy cause, and made her start to think about her own good health, and her healthy children and just how fortunate our family really is.

When she emailed me to say "I'm doing it" I got goosebumps and I have them again just writing this message to you all. For a woman to put her own self aside and say "I WILL DO THIS", that is strentgh, courage and a beautiful example of a giving spirit! It's something that you don't see every day. I am so proud of her and want to do whatever I can to help her meet her goal.

If you can, please go to the foundations website here and support my sister's efforts by making a small donation. You don't have to give $100, $50 or even $10. Just one single solitaty dollar makes a difference. I made my small donation this morning and it took me about 2 minutes to do. If you have 2 minutes and $1, we're on our way to making a difference in some child's life.

Please feel free to pass my sister's story on, either via your own blogs, email, message board, twitter (whatever you're using) and share her link. She's only shooting to raise $500 total but I think what she's doing can raise so much more. Help her meet her goal (plus, you'll get to see what that head looks like totally 100% bald!)

Tough to workout or tough workouts? (And Happy Valentines Day!)

2011-02-14T09:40:00.000+01:00

Last night I begrudgingly did my 30 minute aerobic workout on the Wii. No puppy dogs and rainbows there, a didn't want to do it, didn't feel like doing and had no intention of doing it. Sometimes, it's just tough to workout! I hadn't seen Marco all weekend because he worked all day long, I was tired and I just wanted to sit with him and relax, talk about stuff and not be working out.

Marco, however, gently nudged me to go ahead and do it, which initially made me want to scratch out his eyes and convinced me that he hated my guts. What a jerkface.

So I snapped on the Wii, glared at him (as he easily sat behind the computer playing poker), and began to angrily grapevine, side step, kick and whatever else that skinny beotch on the Wii made me do.

I probably switched modes and moods about 10 minutes into it though. I wasn't pouting anymore and really trying to push myself and I no longer wanted to scratchs Marco's eyes all the way out, maybe just poke 'em a little. The skinny beotch on the Wii was still irritating but I could be on a Prozac-sugar-endorphin high beyond your wildest dreams and she'd still be irritating.

I pushed through and finished a tough 30 minutes, sweat and all. I somehow managed to make that "tough to workout" monent and refocus it into a "tough workout".

As a layed sprawled out on the ground sweating and stretching Marco came over and said "good job sweetheart". I knew he nudged me because he wants to see me happy and knows I would be pissed at myself today for skipping it. That man is one brave soldier, living his life with no fear of Sarah's Wrath, which, I will say, can be pretty darned scary.

I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

Very interesting observation...

2011-02-13T18:46:00.000+01:00

Last week at my appointment with Dewy (Disorderly Eating Woman YAY!) she suggested that perhaps I would want to try weighing in blind or only weighing in at my appointments with her. The reason being, I've mentioned to her that when I step on the scale it can effect how the rest of my day goes. If it's a loss, I'm obviously happy and can sometimes relax a little "too much". If it is a gain then I get a bit nervous and I become restrictive, probably overly restrictive.

The point of my getting help with all of this is not to lose a ton of weight right this very second, Biggest Loser style. The point of all of this is for me to form new habits and over a length of time the weight will gradually come off due to my new habits, not because I ate 900 calrories every day for 3 days, binged a day, went back to 900 calories, repeat repeat repeat like I have so many times in the past.

I agreed that I would only weigh at my appointment with her, weighing blindly and only knowing my weight once a month was just too over the top for me. Keep in mind that although my "official" weigh in was only once a week, on Mondays most recently, I still got on the scale almost daily. Ritualistically.

The first couple of days were pretty rough (to use the word loosely) and it was tempting, I will admit. I mean, who would know if I really did get on the scale or not... nobody but me. But what's the point of all of this if I start lying to myself (or to you all).

But by days 3 and 4, I noticed something else. I was feeling good. My clothes felt loser to me, I felt like I was standing taller. Just feeling good about myself made me, well, just happier. Happier to stick to my changes. Happier to exercise in the evening. Just all around happier, all week long. Now if I would have stepped on the scale and not seen a loss or,*gasp*, seen a gain, which let's be truthful here, it just happenes sometimes for no forseen reason, it would have totally altered my mood. I really hadn't realized what an effect those numbers, when seen on a daily basis, were having on me.

So if you're a scale junkie and you recognize some of this in yourself, maybe give it a try. Do it for a week or so and just see how you feel. See if the numbers are playing mind games with you as well.

I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

What a Monday!

2011-02-07T20:47:00.000+01:00

Mondays are my weigh in day now and I was really surprised to see that I was up 0.3 kilos or 0.6 of a pound. Not that it's a significant gain but I really feel like I've lost. My pants are looser, my coat isn't as snug around my rump when I zip it, and my tush feels smaller. Granted these are changes that everybody would notice in my bod, but I see myself naked every single day, so I do notice them. An even bigger surprise was that those numbers didn't ruin my entire day, send me into a "why bother" tailspin or even really peeve me. I was pretty okay with that, reasing being:

I've been doing AWESOME on my workouts. Seriously awesome. I have only missed one day in the past 4 weeks since setting my original goal and it's just been fantastic. They're getting mildly easier to do with each passing day and I'm remembering back to how this whole thing started... how I lost my first 30 pounds back in 2006 and this is exactly how it felt. It wasn't easy back then, just like it's not easy now, but I was determined and I feel so very determined!

I've also been doing great with my other mini goals, such as cooking more home made meals, trying new recipes, drinking 64 oz of water per day and eating fish three times a week. Breaking these goals down has been instrumental to my less mopy-after-gaining-attitude because now I have so many other focuses besides "did I lose or didn't I". It was such a simple trick that I learned from Dewy, my therapist, but it really does work. Granted I'm not "fixed" quite yet but I am well on my way I think!

We did decide that maybe it would be a good experiment for me to try not weighing myself every week except at my appointment with Dewy. Because I tend to be so number focused, she thinks it could help me gain a little more perspective on all of the other great things I am doing for my body. It's also a reminder that this is not only about losing weight, this is about fixing the way that I deal with food on a daily basis. It's about figuring out what makes me tick and tweaking it. It's about making changes that will last a lifetime. So this week, I am not to step on the scale once. Not even to peek. That's actually going to be pretty challenging for me because I do tend to hop on almost every morning "just to see". What that does though, is if the number isn't exactly what I want to see, then it throws me into "oh-my-god-I-have-to-work-harder" mode, making me be more restrictive than necessary with my food intake, which tends to make me food obsess, which tends to make me binge. It's that cycle there that I hope to break. Weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint! We'll give it a go for a couple weeks and see how I do. I do love a challenge!

I have some other "homework" that I will share with you all later on! I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Keeping it level

2011-02-05T21:10:00.000+01:00

That's my big goal right now, is trying to keep my blood sugar as stable and level as possible. That's why at the center where I am getting help at, Dewy (Disorderly Eating Woman, Yay!) suggests that I eat every 2-3 hours and really trying never go to over that three hour threshold. Since adopting this method I can honestly say my energy level is better than it has been in a very long time and certainly since my daughter was born.

I've got that down fairly well through the week when I'm at work, as I tend to be more in a pattern then. I get up around the same time, I set my reminder on my email to tell me when I should (generally) have my snack, I have pushed my lunchtime back to fit in this schedule, I have a second reminded pop up to tell me to eat my second snack and then I have dinner. Dinner is the one that is always a tricky one. I sometimes go over my 3 hour limit before eating dinner as I'm busy paying attention to Sadie (my delightful daughter, check out her blog). The weekends, well, they take some strategic planning sometimes and I can improve on my eating during that time for sure.

I'm encouraged to eat six times a day with my first time eating being as close to when I get out of bed as possible. The reason being is that it's probably been a very long time (10-12 hour) span of time since I'd last eaten, therefore my blood sugar would be extremely low, if I would test it. A lot of people (including me) say "well I'm just not hungry in the morning", which may be true, you may not feel hungry, as in, your tummy isn't growling, BUT if you would check your blood sugar, you would see that your body is, indeed, hungry.

There is no cut off time as to when I should eat last. If I am awake and it's been 3 hours since I've last eaten I should have something, anything, to keep my levels, well, level. Some "diets" encourage you to stop eating after a certain time in the evening such as 6 or 7pm, yet most people don't go to bed until 10, 11 or even later. As you will be able to figure from the paragraph above, if you stop eating a 6 and then don't eat again until 6, 7 or even 8 the next morning, you're really asking a lot of your body!

Notice I'm not counting calories, I'm not counting points, I'm not counting anything except the hours and logging my food intake every day. Yes, I have been given a list of good foods and snacks to help me make better choices but let's face it, it's not that I don't know that an apple is a better choice than a muffin. I know (for the most part, sometimes you can really be fooled!) what is "healthy" food and what isn't and they're not tyring to teach me that. They are focused right now on getting my eating in a normal pattern with normal portion sizes.

So, that said, I wanted to share with you what my last couple of days have been like just so you can get a real idea of what I've been doing. Keep in mind I am not perfect, and you will see that. I am not trying to be perfect, I'm just trying to do a little bit better that I've been doing in the past.

This is copied and pasted from my food log:
(wwbb stands for whole wheat brown bread and I've left some other descriptions in the text below for things not everybody may know)

Feb 1st

8:00 - 2wwbb 1 w/ humus, 1 w/ butter and honey, 2 cappucinos w/ sugar
10:00 - sultanas (fruit snack bar, 2)
1:00 - 2wwb w/ light cream cheese, 2 slices ham, apple, 2 diet cokes
3:00 - banana
5:00 - 2 time out biscuits and a cappuccino w/ sugar
7:00 - Thai curry chicken and veggie w/ noodles
9:00 - sultanas
worked out for 30 minutes, was very hungry afterwards, so had my late snack even though I had eaten 6 times already that day

Feb 2nd

7:30 - 2wwb humus, cappuccino w/ sugar
10:15 - sultana
1:00 - cheese tortilini w/ meat sauce and veggies (1/2 portion), diet coke
3:00 - apple
5:00 2 mandrins, 3 pieces of chocolate
8:00 steak w/ sauteed onion, mashed potatoes, greek salad, diet coke

Feb 3rd

8:45 - oatmeal w/ raisins, brown sugar and cinnamon, 1 capuccino w/ sugar
10:45 - apple
1:00 - 2 wwbb w/ mayo, roast beef slices, salami, cheese, tomato, cuke, lettuce, 2 diet cokes
2:15 - 1/2 slice of apple tart (office party)
4:30 2 mandrins
7:00 - thai curried beef w/ veg and rice (didn't eat my usual full portion,felt full)

Feb 4th
8:30 - oatmeal w/ sprinkle of brown sugar and cinnamon
10:00 - 2 mandrins
12:45 - white fish w/ pesto (baked), w/ small fries (10), 4 onion rings, mushrooms and onions (sauteed), 2 diet cokes
3:30 - apple
7:00 - ceasar chicken salad, 100 ml optimel kwark (this is a Dutch yogurt type food)
in bed at 10

Feb 5th
8:15 - 2 wwbb humus
10:00 apple
2:00 - tomato soup, 2 wwbb w/ butter and one slice of old cheese
4:30 - 100 ml optimel kwark
8:00 - baked chicken breast w/ bbq sauce, roasted pumpkin

Also in my log I mention if I have had a struggle or emotional day as to later see where my destructive patterns are.

So that's what I've been up to as far as how and what I am eating for right now. Once this becomes more 2nd nature I will start focusing on other aspects of weight loss.

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

I'm at a loss... but not for words!

2011-01-31T09:02:00.001+01:00

I'm at a loss, of 1.3 kilos this week or 2.86 lbs! Man, that was just beautiful and reaffirming to see on the scale this morning. I have not been "perfect" with my eating, and that's a good thing because I'm not striving for perfection, just to be better, but I have been really kicking some tail with my workout regime and seeing the scale haul ass as much as I have been really feels fantastic.

I've been working out with my personal trainer, aka my Wii Fitness Coach, for 30 minutes every other day for the past week and a half or so and those workouts have been killer. It's nice to have the affirmation from the scale (even though I know it isn't my focus) that I am doing something right!

That makes a 6.6 kilo or 14.5 lb total loss so far. Feels good not only to have the loss but to feel like I'm making so many small, positive changes in my life in order to get healthy.

Now that is the way you want to start off your Monday! I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

A quick catch up before the weekend...

2011-01-28T22:20:00.000+01:00

Today was another workout day for me and once again I chose my Wii Fitness Coach as my tool-o-torture. I did this same workout for the first time on Wednesday and 6 minutes into it I was ready to die. You remember, I just blogged about it two posts down. :o)

Anyway, I knew that this time it was going to be "easier" or at least I woudn't feel like throwing in the towel quite as early into the workout. I've been here before, the first time you do something new is always the worst and it quickly gets easier but I was still really glad when I didn't want to die until 20 minutes into a 30 minute routine, so well done me!

I've been more hungry than usual over the past two days for some reason although I haven't changed my eating habits. I am still eating on schedule and the same foods that I've been eating for weeks. Not sure what the deal is there. It makes me kind of nervous because what I don't want to happen is this continues and I end up in a calorie infested binge. And I know it's hunger, actual real hunger, because I'm drinking plenty of water and my tummy is actually growling.

I've also had a hell of a lot of heartburn lately. I haven't had to take medicine for my acid reflux in ages, literally years, but suddenly it's been creeping up on me again. I am not eating acidic foods or anything that would generally scream "heartburn" and the only thing I can think of that I changed since it started happening was I greatly increased my water intake. Surely water wouldn't cause me heart burn? I'm almost afraid to google it. I've been popping tums a couple of times a day to get rid of it but I may have to call up the doctor and ask for some more Rx meds if it continues to be a problem.

Part of my goal is to start cooking more "from scratch" meals and including Sadie in the preparation. It's not that we're eating frozen dinners chock full of sodium or anything of that sort but the grocey store here offers a lot of fresh, prepackaged meals and we turn to those a lot due to scheduling and wanting to spend some play time with the kiddo after a 40 hour work week (which is a lot for a mom of a 2.5 year old, according to Dutch standards, but seems pretty typical for all my Americans out there). So, if you have any quick, easy, tasty recipes that you're just dying to share or you think we'd enjoy, feel free to pass them along! I'm going to check out some of those blogs I have over there to the right too, to get some inspiration. I enjoy cooking and preparing meals but I just don't want to give up my kiddo time, hence the importance on recipes she can help out with, you know, washing a tomato or pepper, stirring, whatever she can do.

So that's the it of it for today! I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

Before and After... and before again

2011-01-27T17:13:00.001+01:00

Back in '06 - 07' before I was blessed with my gorgeous daughter, I had dropped 70 pounds and for those of you who have followed me since be beginning will recognize this "before" picture. That's me, Dec 2006.

This is me in May 2010 in the Canary Islands so "after" my glorious birth (yeah, almost 2 years after) and slipping back into my old habits. Here I am about 5 pounds lighter than I am today, so it's a pretty fair picture to use.

So, today, I am printing out my "before" picture to hang on my white board next to my goals. I bet you're not going to find many bloggers who want to be the before picture again! I think the visual of what I have accomplished in the past and what I still can accomplish now will be a positive reinforcement of the changes I am making.

Holy Moses That Hurts!

2011-01-26T21:43:00.000+01:00

So part of the plan is to exercise four times a week, every week. I've got a Nintendo wii with three fitness related games, Just Dance 2, Wii Fit and a Wii Fitness Coach. I also have a Zumba DVD set that I got off the local teleshopping network here, so I have a plethora of things to get my heart rate up. When you're 290 pounds, it really doesn't take all that much.

For the last 2 or 3 weeks I've been sticking to the Just Dance game. It's a lot of fun. I sweat. I enjoy it and I'm so competitive that I have to have the high score in every single song. But, the downside to that game is you can get lazy and still score points just by moving your arms. (don't get me wrong, it's a great arm workout!)

After this weeks weigh-in and only dropping a little over 2 pounds (yeah, I know, poor use of the word "only") I thought I should really step up my workouts and see how it goes in the next two weeks, if I could really made a bigger "dent" in my goal. You know, really challenge myself with my workouts.

So tonight, just 30 minutes ago, I did my wii Fitness Coach game (yeah, right, game). I set myself a 30 minute workout (20 is the lowest time choice you have) and pushed "start".

Six minutes into the thing I was already certain I was going to die. Visions of Marco coming home from work to find me on the floor, wii remote in hand, fitness coach (aka devil woman) still chirping "come on I want you to really push yourself" playing in the background ran through my head. I hurt. A lot.

Low and behold, I didn't die and the 13 minute mark popped up. Almost halfway there and my heart was still beating. I knew that because I could literally see it in front of me, beating out of my chest, cartoon character style. thump thump thump thump.

I had made it halfway though and I'd be damned if I wasn't going to make it all the way through! The workout ended with some stretches on the floor. I wanted to kiss the Coach when she sat down. Whew. Embrace the cool down, no problemo!

When she finally told me "time's up, well done, you're awesome" and all those other cheesy things that video games tell you I crawled over to where my phone was and sent Marco a simple text message. It read "that hurt".

I did it though. I made it through all 30 tortureous minutes of the routine. It seriously kicked my ample rear all over the place but I did it. I'm really pretty proud of myself and I know that that next time it'll be easier. I'll let you know on Friday how true that really is!

Hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

Some changes I've noticed

2011-01-25T11:17:00.000+01:00

Since devising my "plan of action" and writing it out, I've noticed a few changes in myself:

I have a "spring" in my attitude and my step. I no longer am worrying "how am I going to do this". I'm no longer overwhelmed with the daunting task of losing weight. I have a plan. Yeah, it make need tweaked now and again, but it is a firm plan that I can follow and refer to and so that takes out all of the guess work. Being bogged down by thoughts of weight loss can really consume you (me) so just getting that plan out there has helped me lighten the mental load of weight loss.
I feel like I have more energy. The reason for this is twofold. One, because I am eating 5-6 times a day, timed every 2-3 hours, small meals/snacks, which keeps my bloodsugar level, making me feel better and more energized. Also, since throwing exercise in the mix I have all of those little endorphins running around my head making me feel naturally, better.
I'm becoming a bit more adventurous with my cooking and trying out new recipes! Some have been good. Some have sucked eggs, but just doing something new and fresh in the kitchen makes me happy!

It hasn't been all easy going though. It never is, is it?

Yesterday I had a headache all day and for some reason that made me feel like eating. Okay, not eating so much as binging. I just wanted something, anything, to help me feel better and so my body naturally (to me at least) wanted to turn to food. But was food really the answer? Of course not. The worse I felt, the more I wanted to binge though.

My colleague had a very nice, big box of chocolates sitting on her desk. I had had two of those chocolates the other day, from this very box and they were good. Very good. I plotted in my head how I could take them, run and hide and gobble them all up until I was sick to my stomach. I could eat them all. My boss has the same box on his desk. I could take his too. Then I could really eat some chocolate. MMMMM Chocolate. Chocolate until I am sick. (and yes, it looks strange typed out there for the world to read, but this is what my body was feeling, I WANTED to be sick from eating chocolate, that was supposed to make my feel better).

I have seen this side of myself before. It's not pretty and it can get even uglier. There were a couple things that stood out to me though:

I didn't just want to help myself to a couple of the chocolates I wanted the whole box and then the second box. Why wouldn't two or even three little chocolates have been enough?
I looked forward to feeling sick from eating them. Seriously, that is when I would have felt "satisfied", when I felt physically sick.
I wanted to hide and eat them, not from fear of being caught with them, but more from embarrassment of somebody seeing me eat them.

I didn't steal her chocolates in the end. I didn't steal the other box either. I didn't binge at all, as a matter of fact, but that urge was so real and I don't know why I think or feel that way. I went over the whole thing in my head this morning on my way to work, when I was feeling better, and I don't really get it. I don't know why I associate feeling sick or stuffed to the point of sickness as a positive thing. I'm going to really discuss this with Dewy on Thursday and see what she has to say about it.

On a lighter note... and I do mean "lighter note"... yesterday was my weigh in day and I dropped a little over 2 pounds (1.2 kilos) from last weeks weight in! I updated my stats there to the right ----->. What a way to start the week! I'm throwing my Wii Fitness Coach into my exercise routine this week and I'm curious to see if I can keep up with a 30 minute routine.

I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

Honeymooning (aka Will Power)

2011-01-23T09:52:00.000+01:00

It's something that I told Dewy about last week (honeymooning) and now a friend who is trying to lose weight emailed me and talked about it (willpower), so I thought I'd touch on the two here.

Honeymooning and willpower are kind of synonymous when it comes to weight loss. Right now I feel like I'm in the "honeymoon" phase of my lifestyle change. I'm loving it, I'm seeing it through rose colored glasses, I'm like a kid on Christmas morning who just ripped open a toy store full of gifts and wants to play with every single one at once. Right now all is good, I'm right minded for the most part and I'm feeling positive. The workouts are fansatic and fun and I'm actually looking forward to doing them. I'm honeymooning with my lifestyle change.

Similarly, willpower gives me that "warm fuzzy feeling". I can wake up and know I'm going to make good choices. I have the will power to tell my colleague "no thanks, I don't want that brownie" all three times she tries to shove them down my throat. Will power gives me that spring in my step when I walk past the cafeteria and sit down with my prepacked lunch instead. Will power is and can be a very positive thing.

BUT

Eventually the honeymoon is over and you have to get back to reality and normal life. Those new workout videos don't stay new forever. Those brownies may not always take "no" for answer if you're depending on willpower to get you through it. The eliptical machine is now another piece of gym equiptment not the knight in shining armor it presented itself as in the beginning. So what do you do then? What do you do when you're on the flight back home from your honeymoon? What do you do when willpower has petered out and it's just you in the battle?

You get a plan. You make a solid plan and you put it into action. You figure out how you're going to deal with it once the lifestyle change starts farting and leaving its dirty socks in the middle of the floor, 3 feet away from the laundry hamper. You have it not only in your head, but in your direct line of vision where you can see it, read it, know it and do it.

When willpower is sitting in the recliner, hogging the remote, tempting you with just one more hour of "reality" you have a plan for yourself.

I've shared with you in previous posts what my plan of action is, now I'm curious to hear about yours. What are your "tricks of the trade". How do you get up when will power has you down? How do you get yourself back into that honeymoon spirit?

(I wrote more about willpower and the lack of it here.)

Total Disconnect

2011-01-23T08:58:00.000+01:00

Sometimes in weight loss you have a total disconnect between what you want yourself to think and feel and what you actually do think and feel, even if you know it's not the "right way" of thinking. I'll give ya a big "for instance".

For instance, tomorrow is Monday and my weigh in day for my new plan. Last week, if you remember, I gained a little, but knew that I was bloated and retaining water and that's actually a very valid, justified reason to not see the scale budge and I knew that this week would be different. Even if it isn't different I have done really, really well over the past month so it shouldn't be a big deal, right? The point of all of this is not to see the scale go down in numbers, although this is a awesome side effect, the point of all of this is to get healthy, make better habits, learn some things and just be an all around healthier, happier, less food obsessed person.

So that's what I "know".

Here is where the total disconnect comes in. I am so petrified of what I am going to see on the scale tomorrow. I know I shouldn't be and I know it shouldn't matter and I know eventually the numbers will catch up with the healthy changes that I am making but I am just leg-shaking-pee-in-my-pants nervous. Do I expect a huge "Biggest Loser" sized loss? Heck no! I expect to lose roughly 2 pounds, one being from water-retention-gone-south and the other pound from effort, so why the total disconnect between what I know and what I feel? (I don't have an answer here, but feel free to shout one out if you do)

In the end, it doesn't matter if I need to flip the scale the bird tomorrow or if I will jump for joy, I'm just going to keep going. No matter what, I'm just going to keep plugging along, losing this weight one pound at a time, so who really cares what the scale is going to say?

Well, I do!

I have all of these non-weight loss related goals that I've made, like drinking a liter more water per day, eating fish three times a week, sticking to my exercise goals (within a certain percentage)... I have all of this but in the end, to me, the number is important. It just is.

The Weight Loss Bible (Dr. Phíl's The Ultimate Weight Loss Solutions) says that you have to set solid, tangible, realistic, achievable weight loss goals and that includes weighing yourself so you know where you stand. At my DEWY appointments (I have some new readers I see, so Dewy stands for Disorderly Eating Woman YAY!) I weigh in every visit, first thing. Every Monday I am weighing myself to write it down on my board to see my progression from the previous week. So how am I supposed to change the way I feel about the numbers, when so many parts of what I am doing seems to be focused on them (again, I don't have the answer here).

I can only guess that, in time, the positive changes that I am making will take over that number oriented section of my brain that nervously nibbles its nails when weigh in time comes around. We will see. Until then... I'll dream about tomorrow's weigh-in, about the possible out comes and, regardless, keep on keepin on.

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks! Check back tomorrow for the "official results".

Weight Loss is flipping me the bird

2011-01-17T21:42:00.001+01:00

So after a fantastic week of eating well, exercising on my self-proclaimed schedule, drinking loads of water, making right choices and just over all feeling fantastical about my abilities I stepped on my scale for my first official "here I am again" weigh-in and *drrruuummm rolllllll pleeeeeeaaaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee***

I gained. WTF @$!#@%@$!$

My scale flipped me the weight loss bird.

Minutes later good ole Aunt Flo knocked on the door.

I flipped her the bird.

So after all the bird flipping that went on in my house on a Monday morning within 10 minutes of my feet hitting the floor, I had a little cry, got a little pep talk from my husband and decided "what the hell, I know in another week the numbers will change because I've been doing this for AGES".

And it's true. In all of the time that I have been losing weight and working at this there has been one constant. The week that I am blessed with my period I always weight more, anywhere from 2-4 pounds more, than I will the following week. Gotta love water retention and bloating. Thanks Mommy Nature. Here's a bird for you.

So I went from 132.4 kilos (291.28 pounds) to 132.9 (292.38 lbs) so +1.1 lb.

Now that it's sunk in and I've had time to be rational about it (you know, AFTER I've had a cup of freaking coffee) I'm kind of excited to see what next week will bring. I know by next Monday that my bloating will be gone, so there's some weight, and in addition, I'll have all of the extra work that I've put into it this week, so I'm looking forward to something positive.

And if it's not, I've got a few more birds I can hand out along with this sweet message for those extra pounds...

I AIN'T QUITTING SO YOU CAN HANG OUT AS LONG AS YOU WANT BUT NO MATTER WHAT, I WILL BEAT YOU!!!

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

You know what?

2011-01-13T21:48:00.000+01:00

You know what I'm tired of? I'm tired of feeling positively crummy about my weight.

Ya know what else? I'm tired of the dread that I feel when I have to choose a meal or think about food.

And guess what? I'm sick of feeling schlumpy (yes, that's a word, and if it isn't I'm sure you all know exactly what it means, regardless).

and another thing... I'm tired of feeling bogged down by the emotional baggage that comes along with all things "weight loss" related.

I'm just sick of it all. I am sick sick sick sick sick sick sick.

Sick.

So I'm changing it.

Enough is enough and this chick's had it. I'm moving forward. I guess it's a "do over" or maybe it's a continuation... whatever it is, whatever label you want to stick on it... I'm doing it... again.

I have a plan in action. It's a real, tangible, written down, visible plan, all telling, goal oriented plan and it's been launched into action (last Monday) and I'm not even going to say something like "so far so good" because that implies that this plan may not work... but really... it's almost fool proof.

It all started with a white board, you know the ones that you can write on with erasable marker and it comes off. Well my white board is actually silver but it serves the same purpose, only in a prettier fashion. So i got this white board and it's divided into weeks... 7 of them... so 49 days worth of plan at a time.

I decided how many times a week I wanted to work out and I wrote those days on the board for the entire 7 weeks. As it ends up, I will work out 28 out of the 49 days. I draw a little star on the days that I actually do exercise according to plan. At the end of the month, if I have worked out enough to make 85% of my target I have succeeded. This leaves me a little room for error, sick days, "screw it" days and "my child is teething and not sleeping and I cannot move" days (which I'm having today, although I did exercise anyway) but still keeps me under tight enough reins that I can't be a total slacker in the least. So I am setting myself up for success by not expecting me to be 100% perfect. That's seriously important, not to strive for perfection because it's unachievable in anything you do, not just weight loss. And when I say things like "in anything YOU do" I am talking about ME.

Next to my star I have another visible reminder... it's the smiley face. For every day that my eating is 90% on target I get a smiley face. And like the stars, at the end of the month if I have eating well enough to make 85% of my target for eating, I have succeeded.

If both categories are a success, I get a reward. I'll choose the reward at the end of the 49 days. It will be something splurge worthy, you know the norms, massage, shoes, handbag, class, day out with the girls... something... If only one category is a success I will get a less fancy schmancy reward, because, afterall, it's still a success and deserves to be recognized!

I also wrote down my starting weight and will weigh in every week like I have been since... well... let's not get into how long I've been at this.

This white-board-that-is-silver is in my line of vision each and every day, multiple times a day. It's a wonderful reminder without being a screaming reminder of "OMG I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT" like I know other people have used (meaning, a horribly bad picture of them taken at the worst moment, at the worst angle, making them look like they swallowed Shamu).

I've devided my exercise into four forms, wii Just Dance 2, wii Fitness, wii, Fitness coach and Zumba. To be considered a successful workout it needs to be at least 30 minutes long.

And you know what?

I'm loving it.

and guess what else?

I'm loving feeling back in control.

and one last thing...

quitting is not an option. It never has been, it never will be. I will do this. I will. 100% do this.

Get your shit together man!

2010-12-28T16:31:00.001+01:00

So two posts below I blogged about how my DEWY (for those first time readers, DEWY is Disorderly Eating Woman YAY! and eventually I am going to quit explaining that) canceled our appointment without bothering to call me and let me know. Now I’ve emailed her twice with no response. I finally got a phone call from the center where this therapist works saying “We see that you are one of Dewy’s patients and even though you don’t have an appointment scheduled with her, we wanted to call you…” and this is where I cut the woman off and explain that, yes, I DID have an appointment with her, she just didn’t bother to call me to cancel it or write it in her calendar. Oops, I guess the two people I talked to the day of my appointment didn’t bother to write that in the calendar either.

The woman continued to tell me that Dewy is on permanent leave and they don’t know if or when she will be returning. Oh great. Yeah, sorry for her, but with the risk of sounding totally selfish… WTF for me? So now, here I am 8 months after I had my referral from my doctor’s office not one step closer to getting any help than I was then.

I was furious. Not that this woman is “ill” but that this place has dropped the ball again and again and I am going to have to start ALL over with somebody else, answering the same questions, telling the same stories, sharing the same bull. Not only that, they purposely put me with this woman because of her native English skills, as I want to be able to do the appointments in English, so I can express myself (unlike in Dutch where I could only express myself like a 7 or 8 year old can, or I just wouldn’t be able to get the same point across as easily). So I asked when she thought they’d make yet another decision on how to deal with me and she hoped it would be this week. Naturally, it’s the holidays and there is probably nobody around that place, so if I get a call this week I would be extremely surprised. Flabbergasted really.

Yahtzee!!!

2010-12-21T11:37:00.000+01:00

It's kind of roll the dice with my emotions and eating lately.

I've been feeling unfocused, overwhelmed, wishy washy, unsteady, powerful, determined, able, incapable, strong, tired, willing, confused, inspired, dejected, deflated, hanging in there by a thread.

Every day seems to be a shake of the weight loss dice and I just never know if I'm going to be yelling Yahtzee or throwing the dice across the room and stomping off in a huff because I didn't "win".

Sometimes I'm just one little die away from hitting it big and scoring some weight loss points. Sometimes I roll a whole lot of nuttin and leave a big fat zero in the Yahtzee box. Each game and each day (hell, each meal even) it's a various mix of this, that and the other. Good choice, not smart choice, thinking with your stomach not your head choices, wise decisions, you just never know what's coming up next, what's around that next corner, what's going to come shooting out of the little cup with your next roll.

I do try to keep in mind that not every choice has to be the Yahtzee of all choices. Even some of the rolls inbetween can be enough to make you win the game in the end. I guess it's not the perfect roll I'm hoping for, it's that balance of large and small straights, a fair amount of 5s and 6s when trying for them, maybe even a full house that can win the game, with or without that perfect Yahtzee kind of an eating day.

Knowing that even if I didn't get the magic roll this last meal or snack or day, it doesn't mean that with the next shake of the dice I can't come up yelling Yahtzee.

It's like a kick in the pants...

2010-12-14T14:29:00.000+01:00

I wanted to thank you all for taking the time to comment or email me regarding my last post. It really cements my keeping my blog because the support I get from people I've never even met is a tremendous help. It's like group therapy without the appointments. I do really appreciate it any time somebody takes the time to say Hi or hey there or anything, really.

So, I'm still here, still insane (by definition!) and still thinking I can do this.

I had my second appiontment with my DEWY (Disorderly Eating Woman, YAY!) today. I went in totally prepared, food log in hand, subjects to talk about in mind and attitude to boot and guess who called in sick (without bothering to call her appointments)... yep. Dewy. WTF!

I know she can't help that she's sick but a freaking phone call would have been nice. PLUS I just want to keep these regular appointments because it really helps me to keep focused on what I'm doing and actually feel like I'm accomplishing something. So now I have to reschedule and try to get in ASAP as to not derail my progression thusfar, which isn't much, but it's something by golly!

Well, regardless of what happened at my appointment, or lack thereof, I am accomplishing something... I went from 137kilo at my last appointment (the day after I landed back in NL from the US) to 133.2, which is a 3.8 kilo (or 8.36lbs) move in the right direction. Before you go applauding me for a job well done... when I weighed in at 137, I was bloated from my period and retaining some extra water from the flight the day before, so more than likely 6 of the 8 pounds lost was fluids. That said, fluid or not, I weigh 8 pounds less!

I've emailed Dewy to say "thanks a lot, let's reschedule". I've continued logging my food. I've stopped today's binge before it got totally nutso-out-of-hand and I've decided that even though I binged this afternoon doesn't mean I have to continue that behavior for the rest of the day so I am back on track as of this moment (or actually 30 minutes ago).

and away we go... again...

Discouraged is a mild way of putting it.

2010-12-07T11:23:00.000+01:00

So I decided to get back into the swing of things by opening Dr. Phil's book again and refreshing my memory to what exactly I was doing before that seemed to turn my life around so drastically back in 2006, when I had successfully lost that weight, those 70 pounds. My counselor actually encouraged my re-reading his book as they use a lot of the same theories and practices as Dr. Phil preaches.

I cracked open the book and started browsing though. I got this book a long time ago and read it twice before putting it into practice and during that time I wrote in the book my goals, my downfalls, my internal thoughts... I did exactly what the book instructed me to.

As I was reading and skimming through the book I discovered that so many of the things that I struggle with now are exactly the same things that I felt and struggled with then. Then I saw the page where I defined my wiehgt loss goal in very detailed language, including dates of when X amount of weight would be gone. The year I was supposed to "really do this", the year that "this was it", the year in that book that I so surley wrote down my goals... 2004. Six years ago.

I hastily drew the conclusion that in 6 years I have not evolved at all. Oh yeah, I dropped some weight once, but here I am again. I am still battling the same battles. I am still dealing with the same issues. I am still morbidly obese. I am actually HEAVIER than I was in 2004. What in the hell happened? Well that answer is clear... a whole lot of nothing.

That was enough for me to close the book and sit here discouraged. In 6 years I've seemingly accomplished nothing, not anything in my weight loss endevor. What in the hell have I been blogging about then? Apparently I'm full of shit. Hot air. I'm a sayer, not a do-er. It's all a bunch of bull to fill up the time and make myself think I'm actually going somewhere, doing something, getting healthy.

And let's be really honest here, it's not like 2004 was my FIRST attempt at losing weight. It wasn't the first time I though "gee Sarah, you may just want to drop a few". Those same thoughts had been in my head since my late teens. So, it's not just the last 6 years that I've done absolutely nothing. It goes beyond that. Far beyond that.

I put down the book. I didn't read any further. All that spirit and determination flew right out the window. and in crept the other kinds of thoughts. The negativity. Or is it simply the reality?

Here I am still today thinking "yeah, I can do this. I will do this. Not doing it is not an option. I'm on my way. This is it. I'm doing it." Who am I kidding? Myself? My readers? Nobody? You?

We all know the saying "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again".

Then again, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

So which am I? The one who needs to just try, try again or do I define insane to a "t"?

Calling: A Girl Worth Losing

2010-12-03T12:12:00.000+01:00

Sorry but I am trying to get a hold of "A Girl Worth Losing". I've sent you an email but I'm not sure if you still check that account since it's been a while since we talked that way. I know you still read my blog though, so if you can, get in touch with me. I wanna catch up!

I am back!

2010-11-30T19:06:00.000+01:00

In more ways than one! I am back from my long, wonderful, funtastic vacation in the USA and I am back on the weight loss wagon. The scale was not nice to me this morning. No feelings were held back when it shouted out ugly, heavy numbers at me but I must say that I am not surprised at all. I could feel it in my clothes. I oculd feel it in my body. I could feel it in my knees. I knew I had gained weight. It just was bound to happen whilst in the land of super size, free refills and cheesecake. I love my cheesecake and it loves camping out on my thighs. So, I've gone to the US, I've weighed in afterwards and now we begin... again....

I had my first appointment with my new councilor this morning. She was fantastic and we've got a plan of action. I'm back to logging my food, eating every 2.5 - 3 hours to keep my blood sugars up and level and I'm feeling focused. Marco (my husband) and I talked a lot about a plan of action for when I returned home and we sorted some things out. We realize mistakes I have made, where things go wrongly wrong and how I easily get distracted and derailed. He's, once again, totally on board with whatever it is I want and need to get going again.

I also talked to the new councilor about weight loss surgery. She knows it's on my mind but I told her right now I just want to focus on getting my head on straight and then we'll see where we go from there. It's still a viable step in the process of permanent weight loss but I just am not ready for such a drastic step right now (as in these next two months) but it's still on the table. We've also discussed me going to OA meetings on my own, since I won't be joining in the group therapy they offer since it's in Dutch. I'm still on the fence about that but hey, I should at least try it, right?

I've also decided that I need to take the guess work out of my meals for lunch at work so I am going to start brown bagging it. Then I know what I'll be eating and won't be tempted to jump the salad bar line for the more savory hot lunch option, which generally consists of a lot more calories that I ever intend to eat for lunch. By skipping the cafeteria lines altogether I won't have to say "no" to the carrot cake, or taco bar, or whatever else they have that derails me. This is actually a really important step that Dr. Phil talks about in his book too, making your environment around you one that you can be successful in. I can't very well shut down the canteen at work, but I can avoid standing in its lines.

SO there is a brief howdy for now. I'll try to catch you all up on everything again in the next couple of days.

I hope you've all had healthy, successful weeks!

Vacation time!

2010-11-05T12:26:00.000+01:00

I wanted to check in to say I'm checking out... for about 3 weeks! I'm going "home" to the US for a nice, long, much needed break so more than likely I won't be updating my blog in that time.

I've made my further counseling appointment and have still been looking into the lap-band. No decisions have been made and probably won't be made until after my vacation is over. I’ve discussed it with my husband and he is on board with whatever I choose to do but of course we would talk about it more extensively if I decide to go that direction.

I just had my uncle here for a visit and I can actually say that even though I was in “vacation” mode, I didn’t go overboard. That’s pretty easy to do here though, when I’m in the US (Thanksgiving) it can be a whole other ballgame. I don’t want to be super restrictive or obsessive while I’m there with some home cooking but I also don’t want to come back weight 10 pounds more than I did when I left (which is actually doable in 3 weeks time, trust me). I’m just going to try to be conscious, splurge on the things I really do miss and cannot get here and sacrifice at the times when it really won’t matter, like having a much lighter breakfast rather than the full meal deal.

So, I’m signing out for a short while but will be back on the 30th with an update from Dewy and what the plan is.

I wish you all happy, healthy, successful weeks for the upcoming rest of the month!

More thoughts on lap band

2010-10-23T23:16:00.003+02:00

I belong to a social group of women that have all struggled with infertility but of course we branch off into other topics as well. I shared with them that I am considering lap band surgery and so we've been having conversations over the past week and when I was typing a reply here I thought it was kind of blog worthy. So below is my reply to a woman who shared both a positive surgery story and a negative one:

What I think I look forward to most is just NOT being able to eat so much. It's strange but I will enjoy not being able to over eat. I am already working with a therapist for my weight issues and one of my biggest hurdles is trying to figure out why I have to feel full, like verge of puking full, in order to stop eating. I am very "into" texture and sometimes will eat food simply because of that. I have had panic attacks on "diets" because I don't have that full feeling and I just flip out. My mental behavior is not normal and I totally 100% recognize this it's actually why I sought out help in the first place.

(the woman talked about a friend's surgery who experienced depression afterwards so that is the "male" I refer to here) I actually think it's really strange that the male you mentioned didn't realize there would be depression issues afterwards. I think that's one of the things I kind of expect, really, is just to be shocked and shaken up a bit. Maybe not full on "depressed" but really, your totally changing gears. When I think about how I felt the first year living in a foreign country, that's kind of how I expect this to feel for me, should I go through with it. When I moved to Holland I thought... okay, some things are the same but even though they may looks the same, they're actually very, very different. That's how I think I'll feel after a surgery like this. Although I will still need to eat, it's going to end up being very, very different. I didn't go into moving to Holland naive to the fact that it would be difficult, but there was no way to really prepare myself for the problems I really faced. I think surgery is kind of like that. I can prepare myself the best I can, but once its happening to me, it may be a different ball game.

When I read the stories of people who still eat like shit or gain weight or any of that I really just know in my heart that that would not be me. And of course it's easy to say "yeah, well that's what everybody thinks" but again, I just know myself. I'm not taking this decision (which has not been made yet) lightly. I don't enjoy what I'm doing to my body by over eating. I don't enjoy hiding food from people, hiding my eating. I don't enjoy wondering what people say about me behind my back or think of me when I'm in public. I look forward to the day when I simply cannot eat like I do.

The surgery would be both mental and physical stimulation for me. The physical part is obvious but the mental part also plays a big role. I would "know" that I could not eat __________ so I would be okay with that. It's just really hard to explain how my mind works with food.

In the end, I blame my parents and lima beans. LOL

(not really mom and dad)

Good advice from many good people

2010-10-20T12:33:00.000+02:00

After getting some good advice from my friend Keith, I went ahead and called my councelor this morning to plan my appointment for after my vacation. I don't want to have to wait another 3 or 4 weeks after I get back to get in, because Lord knows things can take forever here. Love his logic. (and his attentiveness to how things go here in NL)

After getting some good advice from my friend Claire, I have looked even further into Lap Band surgery just to be as informed as I can be and she basically said "if you're serious about doing it, then get to doing it". Love that girl and her ability to give it to me straight.

After getting some good advice from my friend Marco, who also doubles as my husband, I'm going to keep researching, talk it out with him, talk it out with Dewy, check with my insurance (and I think they cover it) and have some good sleeps on it. I'm going to keep trying to lose weight on my own but he understand not wanting to lose any more time with Sadie, being able to do things a parent should be able to do with their child.

Ali - I do appreciate your taking the time to comment on my last post and sharing your friend's experiences with me. (and the rest of this parapgrah is not just intended for you, it's to clear up questions from anybody reading this blog). I'm sure you didn't mean to imply that I thought that surgery was "easy" because, naturally, I'm not looking for a quick and easy fix. I think of surgery as another step in the process to aid in my weight loss, along with the help of my councelor and nutritionist. (and agasin, it's not that this is a "done deal' I am just thinking outloud via my blog).

I do know, as with any surgery, that there are risks involved, of course. There are bigger risks at staying this weight though too, such as heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, not to mention the damage I am doing to my joints. You (collectively) can be sure that this decision would be one that I would never take lightly, that I am researching and hasn't just popped into my head. I've been contemplating and reading over different surgeries for years. It's just that this is the only time that I have ever seen it really as a viable option. If I'm not a good candidate for it, then who is? What is the real criteria? Do I have to wait until I'm imobile? Do I have to wait until I am diagnosed with diabetes? When is the final step when surgery is actually acceptable? When I've battled my weight my entire adult life, and I'm now 34, when do I finally say, enough, I need more help? Is it when I'm 40? Is it when I have a health scare? What is that deadline that will make surgery a real, true option?

Thanks again for all of your input and all of your advice! Please, good, bad, positive, negative, leave me your comments. Try to keep in mind though what I've mentioned above and don't assume I am walking into this blind or lightly (no pun intended).

Canceled my appointment

2010-10-19T15:57:00.000+02:00

I had to cancel my appointment with my new councilor due to unforseen circumstances at my home, mainly a turn of events such as needing to take off work early all next week, Marco almost ripping off his entire toe nail, Sadie having a horrible head cold and my in-laws being on vacation, all things together means I cannot possibly make an 8:30 appointment.

I called and canceled it and didn't schedule a new one. Not because I am not going to go, but because in a few weeks time we're going to be on vacation in the USA and I think it's best just to start fresh after then.

I've, once again, been tossing around the idea of looking into having lap band surgery. I am going to talk to a friend of mine in the US who had it done a couple of years ago as I have some questions and I know her surgery didn't go off without a hitch. I don't want only to hear good things, I want to know the entire truth, as it can happen.

I know many people have many opinions on this type of surgery so feel free to voice them or if you want to share your exerience with me I'm all ears.

I have always pushed off the thought of surgery, justifying with "if I can eat so little AFTER the surgery, then surely I can do it beforehand with the same results" but I am actually feeling that maybe I need the actual physical inability to eat in bulk in order to make myself not do it.

I thought of it this way... I can't write left handed. I mean, sure I can hold a pen in that hand and write, but it's extremely difficult and sloppy. I'm just a right handed girl. Now, should my right hand be cut off, you bet your ass I'd be able to learn to write with my left hand and woudl learnt o eventually lead a more normal life. Along those same lines, I can eat right/less/better but I obviously have issues with doing it well. Cut off my ability to do so and I am all but forced into doing it.

I have a severe doubt in my abaility to lose weight and keep it off. Severe and justified doubts. Then I see my friend, who had the surgery probably 7 years ago, who hadn't wasted the last 7 years fighting, struggling, arguing, depressed, anxious, battling against her weight. Yeah, sure, she's had her own battles and her life hasn't been perfect, I'm sure, but she overcame this one huge hurdle. I want that peace.

still here!

2010-10-18T16:11:00.000+02:00

Sorry it's been so long. I've got my next appointment with my new Dewy (disordely eating woman, yay!) woman on Wednesday and I will update after that. Until then there really isn't much to tell I guess. My eating has sucked, my attitude has been worse than my eating and without that focus of having biweekly check-ins with a councelor, I've been totally derailed. Even on the days when I say "okay, knock it off, get back to it" I still never quite "get back to it". I have all the greatest intentions of the world but no drive or focus. I suck. Well, I feel that I suck. A lot.

And that's where I am!

Asking for your help

2010-10-08T15:53:00.000+02:00

As you all know (or some new readers may not know) we struggled with infertility for several years before finally getting pregnant with my daughter. Through our struggle I have been fortunate enought to meet some incredible people, mostly women, who share some common ground... we all suffer(ed) with some form of fertility issues.

That is how I came to know Karin and her husband Marlon. They still have not realized their dreams of becoming parents and are now enlisting in the help of the internet to do so. Can you please read their blog and see if you, or somebody you know would be able to help Karin and Marlon become the family that have always dreamed of becoming?

If you read their story, and are in a position to do so, please feel free to share the link either on your own blog, via email, on message boards... however you feel you can help them make that connection.

Overeaters Anonymous Anyone?

2010-09-22T10:31:00.000+02:00

Well I still haven't heard from the Disorderly Eating Center regarding my new councilor and next session, as Dewy told me I would. She said it would be 2 to 3 weeks and this is only week 2, so it's not like they're late but come on already, make me an appointment. Seeing that it took them 4 months to get my first appointment, I’m not expecting the phone to ring any time soon.

I did have the ever so slightest epiphany though. I realized that when I have appointments, it makes me feel like I have somebody or something holding me accountable and I stay a lot more “on task” than if I am just going it alone. That says a lot to me. It's kind of like people who join weight watchers for the meetings because then, mentally, they're being held accountable. It's something to put in my back pocket for later on down the road when I'm no longer seeing my councilor.

I had some friends from the US at my house last week(ish) and it was so easy to be derailed, especially knowing that I had no appointment to weigh-in at in the near future. There was not one morsel of food recorded. There was no plan adhered to. It was complete and utter chaotic food-ness for 5 days and I am paying the price. I gained back a good solid kilo (2.2 lbs) and a smidgeon more but I have since put myself back on track with eating at regularly scheduled intervals. Making wiser choices. Planning ahead. Drinking water.

I wondered if any of you readers out there have ever joined Overeaters Anonymous? It was something that Dewy suggested I look into here, as there is an English speaking chapter. I haven’t yet got up the guts to even google it but I would be more than happy to hear your experiences or thoughts. I don't know why I'm being such a wimp about it. I mean, I'm already reaching out for help, this is just another hand to hold, shoulder to lean on, group to speak with, right? So let me know your thoughts!

I hope you’re all having healthy, successful weeks!

Happy Birthday To ME!

2010-09-15T17:18:00.000+02:00

I turn 34 today and although I don't have a lot of time to write, I would like to say that by this time next year there will be a whole new Sarah staring back at me in the mirror, a Sarah who has her shiznit mentally pulled together with all things food related, or at least a heck of a lot more together than she has it right now, or even a few months ago.

That is my solemn vow to myself and to all you out there in blog world. Feel free to hold me to it next year at this time!

Hope you're all having wonderful, healthy successful weeks!

We're getting somewhere...

2010-09-10T12:09:00.000+02:00

I had my third appointment with Dewy and they've finally decided what in the world they're going to do with me. They've decided that since I wasn't totally comfortable with group therapy, especially in Dutch, they would allow me to only go with one-on-one help. That was such a huge relief for me. The new woman I will see is also half british so another native speaker, which means there shoudn't be a language barrier. Unfortunately this woman has a waiting list (insert big fat eye roll) so I don't have my next appiontment scheduled yet but they "think" it should be only a couple of weeks. If I don't hear back in two I'm going to call.

In the meantime, I am going to continue to do what's been working for me. I will continue to eat every 2.5 to 3 hours, stick to the recommended foods and snacks and just try to lose a bit more on my own. I have maintained my loss this week, which is great.

I've finished reading "Mindless Eating" and I really cannot say enough positive, great things about that book. I am going to go through it a second time, highlighting things that "speak" to me and put their suggestions into play. What I really loved most though, and it was a surprise ending, is that at the end of the book it listed 6 or 7 of the most well known "diet" plans (Adkins, South Beach, etc.) and gave a kind of overview of what the diet entails, the positives and the negatives. It seemed extremely unbiased, which was refreshing.

So that's about it for me! I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

Congratulations are in order!!!!!

2010-09-02T13:37:00.001+02:00

I want to give a great big shout out to Becklette for hitting her negative 90 pound mark!!! Check out her hilarious, no bull-blog and wish her the enormous congratulations that she deserves! Way to go Becklette, you're an inspiration to us all!

If I was clever enough to make you one of those fantastic badges that I see other bloggers have on their sites, I'd make you one for sure! Until I get that clever though, you'll have to settle for a very impersonal one that I snatched off of the internet. Hey, it's the thought that counts, right?

I've noticed...

2010-09-02T13:29:00.000+02:00

I've noticed that I have a few more followers over the last couple weeks so I just wanted to leave a short post to say welcome to my blog! Happy for you to join!

Please feel free to leave me a comment if you have a weight loss blog of your own that you'd like me to link to and, naturally, returning the favor would be appreciated.

The Little Tugboat

2010-08-31T11:29:00.001+02:00

Tuesday has always been my weigh in day since the beginning of time, or at least since the beginning of this blog and although, right now, I am not concentrating on my weight loss per say, (I am really concentrating on my first baby step, trying to eating to every 2.5-3 hours) weight loss is still the "Ultimate Goal" but kind of a side effect of eating every 2.5-3 hours. A nice side effect, it is.

So, I'm still going to weigh myself every once in a while, maybe not every week, just to see. I don't want it to become something dreadful or something that I feel that I have to do because that pretty much derails everything Dewy is trying to change in me.

Even though I went ahead and updated them there to the left on my status bar, I thought I'd go ahead and make a post out of it too. So, here is the "skinny" on me:

Height: 5'10"

Age: 33 (but 34 in a mere 15 days, cards and gifts welcome)

Starting Weight: 133 kilos or 292.6 lbs

Current Weight: 128.9 kilos or 283.58 lbs

1st Goal Weight: 90.9 kilos or 200 lbs (a.k.a. all-time lowest adultweight, EVER)

2nd Goal Weight: 81.8 kilos or 180 lbs (a.k.a.healthy weight range for my body type)

Total Loss To Date: 4.1 Kilos or 9.02 lbs

Something I am doing is working. Hell, all of the things (and there isn't really a whole lot of "things" in this group) that I am doing are working. That's 9 pounds in 6 weeks and all I am doing is being mindful that I eat every 2.5-3 hours and choosing my foods carefully (the way I know I should be choosing them).

Sorry but I have to do this... I deserve to do this... I'm totally going to do this.....

TOOT! TOOT!

I hope you are all having successful, healthy weeks!

Transformers! More than beats the eye!

2010-08-30T12:48:00.001+02:00

Dewy suggested that I pick up a copy of Mindless Eating by Brian Wansink, so I did, because, why else would my insurance be paying for a counselor if I am not going to take her advice and go with it. So I'm about 1/3 of a way into the book and I can hardly put it down. It is so well written, a bit of an easy read. I even brought it to work with me today to read over my lunch hour.

Now you all know what kind of effect Dr. P's "The Ultimate Weight Solutions" had on me. It was profound and I have since re-labeled it as The Weight Loss Bible (for my own personal uses only, I don't think Dr. P's staff was quite as receptive to the idea, and that restraining order kind of proves it) but this book, this little paperback, lightweight book... it sheds an altogether different light on eating habits. It opens your eyes, ears and mind up to things you (and I) probably never thought twice about.

It could never replace the Weight Loss Bible, no, never. I shudder at the thought! I do think putting the two together, hand-in-hand, is like building my own personal Weight Loss Transformer. Dr. P is the body/heart of my machine and Brian Wansink is the head. Dr. P relieves me of the emotional, heartfelt, burden of food and it's powers over me. Brian (yeah, we're on a first name basis already), he just figures it all out, does the math and spits out the answers for me. He's like my own personal cheat sheet.

Naturally, you (and me) are the final piece of the Weight Loss Transformer. You form the legs because it's up to you to run to the library, check these books out, race back home and read them front-to-back and you, the legs, will take the rest of the body where it needs to go thereafter.

It's your legs and feet that will step on the scale and see the difference. It's your legs that will carry you in front of the mirror to physically see the changed person week to week, month to month and year to year.

I don't want to scare a potential readers of Mindless Eating away by saying it gives stats and study results (because to me that sounds so very boring, I yawned just writing the sentence in fact) but the book is the author telling you of all of the "tricks of the trade" to get you to eat more/less etc. It gives examples of case studies regarding things like restaurant lighting/music/ambience/smell and how it really does effect how much you will eat. It's also about how you can make changes in your own home, when you're out in a restaurant, when you're at parties, to make you more mindful of not only what you're eating but in what quantities.

I hesitated in giving a book description because it's hard to describe without making it sound boring or preachy, but I can promise you the book is neither of those. It's written with a humorous voice, which appeals to me, but still manages to be really informative. Like I said, I am only 1/3 of the way through and I cannot say enough good things about it, nor can I wait to see what else Brian has to say.

Let me know if you decide to read it or have read it already and your thoughts/feelings. Actually, feel free to comment anything, anytime! Makes me feel not so "alone" out there in my thoughts.

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks.

*********EDIT*********
After publishing this post, I went down and ate my lunch, book in tow. Low and behold, the very next chapter in Brian Wansink's book quoted none other than.... DR. PHIL and THE ULTIMATE WEIGHT SOLUTIONS. It's like the gods of weight loss are looking out for me.

An unexpected, yet expected, surprise

2010-08-27T09:47:00.001+02:00

It's not my "official" weigh in day, which is Tuesdays, albeit, the last few weeks.... okay months....I've not been posting my weigh-ins because saying "no change, nothing new, same old stuff" 150 times over just isn't appealing. PLUS I was inching closer and closer to my original, all time high weight, and let's face it, that's not really something I'm super duper proud of.

When I was at Dewy's office (my counselor, aka Disorderly Eating Woman YAY!) I had actually went from 130 kilo at my original appointment to 133 at the last appointment, so yeah, I had crept up 3 kilos in 6 weeks (that's a bit over 6 pounds for you unconvertibles).

I was upset but most of all, I was confused! I didn't FEEL like I was gaining weight, and I hadn't done THAT bad recently. Yeah, I wasn't eating perfectly but if anything I would have thought I was just maintaining my svelte 129 kilos, not gaining. I think Dewy must have sense my utter disappointment because she assured me, it's okay, you won't necessarily lose in the beginning as your body adjusts, and I walked away feeling okay with that. Okay with the fact that I am just beginning, this isn't a sprint, it's a marathon and I will lose the weight because I am proactively trying to get my shiznit together.

So this morning, before eating, drinking or dressing, (I did put my contacts in, so there's at least a fraction of a fraction of an ounce there) I got on the scale just hoping that I didn't gain even more and much to my surprise, I didn't! I actually lost! I am back to 129, which is really my starting point. So yeah, that's 3 kilos gone in a week and a half. That's a little over 6 pounds gone in a week and a half. That's a chunk of weight gone!

Do I think I lost 3 kilos in a week and a half, no, not really. I think my weight is a compilation of everything I've done over a period of time, so it's just that the scale and numbers finally caught up with the rest of my body. They were a little slow on the uptake but they finally decided to give in and follow the crowd and move in the right direction.

I surely didn't expect to see such a dramatic change in the short amount of time since being on the scale last so it wasn't expected, but at the same time, I knew I was making changes, positive changes, so it was really quite expected to happen... eventually.

So here we go again... many small, tiny moves in the right direction have paid off! I'm feeling accomplished and positive and a little assured. I am doing the right thing and it's really paying off, not just in numbers but in the way I am feeling overall.

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

slow as sleeping snails

2010-08-23T21:23:00.003+02:00

I had my third appointment with the Dewy (Disorderly Eating Woman YAY!) and these people are slower than sleeping snails. First it took me 4 months to be called for an appointment and now today I was told that the other guy (whoever he is, I don't know) is still not back from vacation, so they're not sure what they want to do with me yet as far as solid plan. That's the same thing they told me two weeks ago. It's been 6 weeks since my initial appointment, make a freaking decision already.

I left feeling discouraged because I think they want to put me in group therapy, which would be fine, only it's in Dutch and although I can understand very well, speaking it is still difficult (slow) and expressing myself regarding emotional issues is extremely difficult. It just doesn't come to me quick enough and I think I would be embarrassed to try it. I just don't want to go to a session and end up zoning out or not taking anything away from it (or inputting anything either). I speak Dutch with my inlaws all the time, in public places like stores, restaurants and with other Dutch parents so maybe I wouldn't do so bad but the thought of it is super depressing and makes me extremely anxious.

I was also pissed because I gained two pounds over the past two week, didn't lose!

I was encouraged though because I am doing really well with my eating timing. She said to keep up what I am doing, so eating every 2.5 - 3 hours (so I have breakfast, a snack, lunch, a snack, dinner and another snack) and logging my food.

Right now we are concentrating on just getting this part down (the regular patterned eating) and then we will look further into food choices, portions etc. Of course I am trying to make better choices but I know I have a lot of work to do. She did say that I shouldn't expect to lose anything at first, which was shocking since I weigh 286 pounds, but she said that it will take my body a little bit to get used to the new pattern and then kick itself in high gear. I do, however have loads more energy, as I mentioned in my previous post.

I don't know why it hit me as such a shock that I am going to have to eat less and cut some things back quite a bit (like the yummy chilled coffee drinks that I love all too much) but it just made me a bit sad kind of like "here we go again". I was trying to think back to how I felt about food back in 06-07 when I dropped the 70 lbs so I got out my Dr. Phil book and am going to scour it for answers (I worte in the margins) and re-read some of my old blog posts. I know I wasn't miserable then by any means. I was feeling fabulous, on the contrary, so I can't really understand where this feeling of dread is coming from.

Dewy had a book recommendation for me as well. It's Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think by Brian Wansik. She said it was a really good, eye opening, but but also kind of funny and lighthearted, I'm all for it. I promptly ordered my copy from Amazon this afternoon and it should be arriving in a week or two.

I'm also to keep a log of some "isms" that I live by, so sarah-isms such as "if the plate is not empty, then I am not done" and "delicious is more important that nutritous". They don't all have to be negative, or positive or anything of the sort, they just have to be little "rules" that I know I tend to live by, consciously or not.

I bought my little bank to keep my reward Euros in. It's a little elephant that says "eurofantje" on the side, which is a Dutch plan on the words Euro and Little Elephant. I thought it was fitting to get a little elephant and make him get bigger as I work on getting myself get smaller. I guess that could go for any animal but this guy is super cute.

So as I wait for my book to come, I'm going to go back through the Weight Loss Bible (Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Solutions) and just try to reconnect with the girl who was so fantastically liberated by his words in the first place.

I hope you all are having happy, successful, healthy weeks!

the ups and downs of weight loss

2010-08-20T09:40:00.004+02:00

The shrinkage woman, at my last appointment, drew me a little picture of how people gain weight. It was just a little line chart of showing how most people gain some, then the line goes flat as they stay there, then gain some more, then lose some, then stay the same, then gain some, stay the same lose some, gain some, you know, so you get this line across the paper that, although it goes up and down, there is a steady upwards motion that you can see. Something like this:

Then she turned that paper so the line was going from the highest point, to the lowest point now. This is how you lose weight, the same way you put it on. You lose some, you plateau, you gain a little, you lose some more, you plateau, maybe you gain more than a little, then you lose some more... but in the end, you can see where is a downward movement to your goal weight.

Now what she told me wasn't news to my ears, I had heard variations of that statement a hundred times over, but there was something to it that stuck with me. I think it's the visual of seeing what she meant rather than just hearing "you didn't gain it in a day and you won't lose it in a day" statement.

She's asked me to post that chart somewhere so that it's in my visual line daily. I haven't done that yet but will at some point. I don't want to put it on the fridge because I think it send me a negative message of "don't look in here otherwise you'll never reach that goal" which isn't true. Everybody has to eat! Maybe a better spot is on the wall above my scale so it can remind me that no matter what the number says, I am on that little roller coaster of weight loss and the ride is going to end up exactly where I expect it to... the finish line!

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Just to give you an idea...

2010-08-19T17:32:00.002+02:00

This is how I am logging my food. Notice it's not a lot of measurements, calories, fat, protein gram counting, it's just simply writing down what I'm eating and trying to eat every 2.5 - 3 hours throughout the day. I do put measurements in if I know them but for the most part, I'm just going with the flow.

Yesterday, the 18th was actually a pretty "rough" day for me, as in the afternoon, for some strange reason, I got extremely anxious and NEEDED to feel full. Not just to eat, but to feel very full. I just felt panicky and what I perceive to be "hungry" and just wanted that full feeling. I got through it with minimal damage but it's been the first time I've felt that way in the week I've been trying this "plan".

Oh and I don't think I mentioned that the woman told me I should definitely have a "rewards system" but not for losing weight, but for following the "plan" right now. So if I am supposed to eat 8 times a day and I managed to eat 5 out of the 8 (this is just an example) then I should give myself a reward. She suggested a piggy bank and putting a euro in it for every day I stay on plan. Notice it isn't every day that I am PERFECT, but every day that I do well. That is really encouraging and helps me to not be so hard on myself if I don't have a perfect day, which we all know will happen!

So here is a little example of what I've done yesterday and so far today:

August 18th
8:00 Granola cereal w/ whole milk (when she asked if I could try to eat granola cereal for breakfast to get some carbs in the morning, I told her "but granola has sugars and carbs in it" and she replied with "but that's thinking like a dieter and you're trying to only follow a plan to eat X times a day". Then I kissed her... well... in my head I did.)

2 bottles of water (500 ML each)

10: apple

12:30
2 ww bread w/ butter, 2 ham, 2 salami slices (ww = whole wheat)
cup of hungarian goulash (pork and veg, disgusting)

(feeling panicky)
16:00 - 17:30
6 sultanas (these are not quite cookies and not a granola bar, but a snack bar of sorts. One portion is 2 pieces. I ate 6)
2 time-out biscuits (a very dry, cookie, time-out is the brand)

6:30 thai chicken/veg/pasta stir fry

8:00 - 9:00
carrots and hummus
spa fruit (carbonated water with fruit juice in it)
250 ml yogurt
chips (probably 30 french fry looking things)
5 drop (this is black licorice, a very Dutch thing)

August 19th
7:30
coffee
2 ww bread, butter, honey

9:30 choco coffee mix

12:30 (we had a bbq at work)
grilled salmon
beef burger on bun w/ bbq sauce
veggie rissoto - 1/2 cup
cole slaw - 3 bites
fruitsalad of watermelon / cherries / pineapple
DC and Spa Fruit

4:00 - apple

then I will finish off my day here. So it's actually pretty simple as long as I plan well ahead of time and don't leave myself without any snacks. I'm following along the snack list suggestions that she gave me and have a stock in my drawer here at work as well as at home.

So there is just a little glimpse into my current plan that we'll build on as my therapy continues!

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks!

Little changes = little differences

2010-08-16T11:36:00.001+02:00

I’ve been following the advice of the councilor for the past 4 days now and just some little things I’ve noticed:

· I have more energy since I am trying to eat every 2.5 to 3 hours. And I don’t mean just a bit more kick in my step, I mean I feel loads better.

· I am less anxious about losing weight because I am focused on eating in a healthy manner. I don't feel overwhelmed at the task at hand.

· I never feel panicked about “OMG it’s ____ minutes/hours until lunch/dinner I’m never going to make it” because 2.5-3 hours between eating something, even if it’s just a small snack, goes by so fast that I feel like I’m always pretty close to snack time.

· Planning eating takes a lot of…well…planning

· I have the most wonderfully supportive husband in the world who is now eating breakfast with me, even though he’s never eaten breakfast before in his life, because he wants to also be healthy and show his support. He’s also careful to remind me of when I should be eating a snack if we’re out running around and I forget. Seriously, he didn’t just jump on board, he jumped onboard and buckled himself in for the long haul. I don’t know what I’d do with him.

All this in just a few days. I don't want to jump the gun, but I'm really liking the changes so far.

Well hello out there!

2010-08-13T11:46:00.003+02:00

So I had my second appointment with the disorderly eating folks and I am feeling so great about the prospects and plan. Just a quick recap, my first appointment was kind of just an intake interview and this one gave me a rough map of a plan and the third appointment (in two weeks) we will talk more in depth on how to deal with my issues specifically and continue from there.

What I like best about it is that they use many of the same processes as Dr. Phil's book, The Ultimate Weight Solutions, which, as you very well know, is what I used to drop the 70 pounds back in 2006-07. I really loved his book (the weight loss bible as I call it) and the fact that they will help me take his princples even further really makes so much sense to me.

After having my beautiful little Miss Sadie Pants, I sunk so far into my old habits (stemming partially from complete sleep deprivation) that I just needed further help figuring stuff out that I just can't do on my own. His book was a wonderful starting point though, and I am actually re-reading it now to remember what really did work and help me.

Right now we're focusing on my eating patterns and not really uber concentrated on WHAT I am eating (although of course they gave me lists of things that are good choices, okay choices, and "okay once in a while but not often" choices). Again, they reiterate that nothing is "off limits" which makes it so much less likely that I will binge.

They are more focusing right now into keeping my blood sugar levels actually level and then once I get into a normal, healthy eating pattern, we'll focus more on "what" I am eating. That, in itself, makes me feel more relaxed because I don't want to feel so OBSESSED with food. This approach makes me feel so much less overwhelmed with the task at hand, as I would generally feel plowed with information and things that I just "have" to change immediately, especially in the beginning of changing anything so major, really. She stressed to me that I am not on a DIET (which I knew) but I am just changing the way I think, feel and deal with food.

Yesterday was the first day I tired their method of eating something small between meals, so every 2.5-3 hours I was eating something and it was only in the evening, when I would usually binge that I really had some problems and became nervous and anxious.

We are also trying to work out all of my food and binge triggers. Some are quite obvious (sadness, lonely, boredom) but some are a bit harder to recognize.

I am also somebody who gets nervous and anxious if I do not feel full (stuffed full) and that is something that is going to take some time to work through. We're working on a plan to have things that can keep my mind going in other directions rather than focusing on food, which is also something I did with Dr. P.

I've also realized in just two sessions how much moving overseas 6 years ago really has effected my overall "self", in that my life is so very different than it was in the US regarding friendships and socialization and I may not be dealing with that in the best ways that I can. I stil don't have a clear plan of action for this but hey, I have time, right?

I feel really positive right now. I am keeping a journal of food, of course, and I just really am so glad I sought out help. If anything, meeting with her every two weeks gives me somebody to be accountable to and I think a lot of us need that accountability.

I hope you are all having wonderful, healthy successful weeks.

AND

a very happy birthday to my Mom today!

Well I did it. I had my first appointment

2010-08-02T22:12:00.002+02:00

I had my first appointment at the disorderly eating center to get my head (and body) shrunk and it was a really great first experience for me. I wasn't nervous because, well I just don't get nervous for things like that. The woman was nice and asked the questions that you expect to be asked at an intake appointment, like your height, your weight, why you're there, what you feel you need help with, how badly your parents screwed you up (Mom and Dad I gave you a fine report!), how horrible your childhood was or wasn't and what you've done in the past and are currently doing, your work, your home life.

When I told her how much I weighed she asked me if I would mind getting on the scale to prove it. Apparently most of the people they see are grossly over or under estimating their weight (by at least 20 pounds, 10 kilos). I was spot on with my numbers, minus the clothing alotment (I'm at 130 kilo right now, a very ugly number, 285 pounds) and she really looked surprised. I asked her "what's wrong?" and she told me that above quoted stat that people over or under estimate their weight usually and added "and I didn't think you looked like you weighed that much". Yeah, I love this lady!

So then when I was telling her about my weight loss sucess back in 06-07 (yeah, it's been THAT long) she asked how I did it and I told her Dr. Phil's The Ultimate Weight Solutions (aka the weightloss bible) and she was really pretty happy with that. She told me that was a great book and that the practices that they use there are similar, if not the same, as in his book. She then asked the dreaded question "well if you had success with that in the past, then why don't you just do it again" (put more elequently of course) and it was a really hard question to answer. I don't know why I haven't gone back to the bible. I love Dr. 'P's advice and when I did apply it and keep it fresh in my memory I really had great success with it but even at those times I never felt like those demons-who-are-my-own-destructive-voices-making-me-sound-psycho-ish were ever gone, they were just quieted. And, I hate to say it, but since having Sadie those aforementioned demons seemed to have gained strength in their voices and are louder than ever. I just don't think I have the strength or tools to do this alone. I think I need a bit more help than what I can give myself via the weightloss-bible.

She asked if I thought I would benifit more from individual therapy or group therapy (which is what they usually recommend) and I chose individual because of the language (it would have been in Dutch) and I really want to get the most out of this experience.

So now she's going to talk with "the group" about our session and her findings and the shrinkage will continue in another two weeks.

To be continued then!

I hope you're all having healthy and successful weeks!

10 fast facts about me

2010-07-21T11:06:00.003+02:00

1) I'm feeling not so far down in the dump-y but I'm still not "go get em tiger-y" either

2) I'm looking forward to my first appointment (29th) at the disorderly eating counciling place.

3) I'm ordering a bike and hope to start riding 3-4 times a week, once my tush gets used to the seat.

4) I've found a pool that has convenient hours (which is a HUGE deal in Holland) that I may be able to start swimming laps occasionally throughout the week.

5) I've been talking with Marco a lot about how I've been feeling and he's probably the most wonderful support system a girl could ever wish for.

6) I've decided to go in to my first appointment with a very open mind and try whatever it is they suggest for me, regardless of if it's worked for me in the past.

7) Other aspects of my life are going very well and make me happy.

8) It's been almost two years since I gave birth to Sadie (August 1st) and she's finally sleeping through the night 3 to 4 times a week giving me a ton more energy and a better outlook on my future in weight loss.

9) I have to try to keep in mind that although collectively I need/want to lose 40 kilos or 88 pounds, I can only do that 1 pound at a time. I've been overwhelming myself with the "big picture" instead of focusing on the small brushstrokes it takes to make that big picture. I just have to lose one pound. That's it.

10) No matter what I've gone through or how I've been feeling, my little flicker of hope and will to get this weight off has never burned completely out. I've said it probably a hundred times in this bloh and I will continue to say it 100 more times. Not losing the weight is just not an option. Quitting is not an option. I will do this.

2010-07-16T11:49:00.000+02:00

I'm still alive. Just trying to get my thoughts together. Hanging in there. hang with me.

and breathe...(swearing used, be forwarned)

2010-06-29T08:37:00.004+02:00

Before I do anything this morning, before I check my email, before I see what happened on facebook, before all of that stuff, I wanted to come here and jot down some thoughts that went through my head on my way to work this morning. I have turned off the comments for this post because, well honestly, because I can't stand the thought of one more person cheering me on when I don't feel cheer worthy. I don't feel like reading supportive comments, seeing "tough love" or any of that. I don't want your advice (not that I don't appreciate it) I just want to get my thoughts out there and move on. Ready or not, here it comes.

I feel panicked. I feel anxious. I feel imobilized. I feel sick. I feel sad. I feel like a failure. I feel like I have multiple personalities. I feel happy in probably 4 or 5 sides of my life because there are a hundred things going perfectly right-on with it and I am very excited about those aspects but there is always this voice inside of me, whispering to me constantly, sometimes shouting, teasing, taunting me about my weight and casting a shadow on what should be a very joyous time in my life.

I am overwhelmed by my thoughts about losing weight, not losing weight, food, good foods, bad foods, sugar, carbs, eating clean, can I do it, why am I eating that, stop doing that, you did it again, God you suck, that's not okay, don't let them see you eat that, stop Sarah stop!

I feel in the verge. One the verge of what, I don't know, but I just feel on the verge. I feel like there isn't enough time in the day to do it all. There isn't enough money in the bank. There aren't enough clothes in my closet to fit this body that won't leave me tugging at them every time I stand up. There aren't enough (any) shoes to fit my swollen feet that aren't going to leave me hobbling at the end of the day. I walk like a 80 year old woman. I am 33.

I can't explain what happened after I had Sadie, almost two years ago now. All the motivation, empowerment, energy, life... all of the things I had and felt when I had lost those 70 pounds, there hiding from me. I used to stand in the mirror, NAKED, flex my newfound muscles with my husband doingt he same right beside me, and be proud of what I had accomplished. But I don't even feel like I did before I lost that weight. I feel "different" now, worse off, sadder, defeated, more confused, more lost, more like I can't do this. Not again. Now now. Not with this life. I don't feel like me. At all.

I feel fake. People I see every day have no idea what's happening in my head. No idea. Even my husband has no clue what I'm saying to myself and what kind of torture I am putting myself through mentally or what I'm really feeling. Nobody knows how I feel on the verge of purging every emotional atom in my body, full force, into the toilet and giving up on this resigning to the fact that I am just always going to be so uncomfortable in my body. I'm sitting here, working, doing everything I should be doing on the outside. I go to lunch, I eat, we chat, I go home, tell about my day, cook meals, give Sadie her bath and seem calm, normal but on the inside I am not feeling that way at all.

I've even been telling myself that I deserve to be this way. It's such a fucked up way of thinking that I can't even type it out here to make it clear but when I eat something that I know I shouldn't be indulging in, usually in large quantities, afterwards I even tell myself that I deserve to be punished with my body. "thats what you get" I tell myself but I have no idea for what? That's what I get for what, Sarah?

I feel alone in understanding me but nobody else could possibly get this. I can barely understand me let alone expect anybody else to get it.

All I can do it breathe. Keep on going and hope. I don't even know what to hope for anymore, really.

*********************************************************
since posting this, I looked back in my mobile call log and realized that the Disordely Eating Center was supposed to call me 3 weeks ago to set up an appointment. So I called them to see what was going on (if you don't remember or are new to my blog, firstly appologies for the bright and cheerful 1st post you're reading and secondly, I have been diagnosed as having an eating disorder and am seeking treatment at a local center which has a 8 week waiting list to get an appointment) and they claimed they were going to call me today or tomorrow, which is still 3 weeks later than I was told originally. So now I have my first appointment set up for July 29th, a whopping 4 months after my referal reached their door. No use in being bitter about it now, just have to wait it out and hang in there until then.

whole lotta nuttin going on

2010-06-23T13:30:00.003+02:00

I don't even know how to put it into words. Not trying to be dramatic here, just really at a loss as to what to "update" as to where I am right now in the weight loss world. Well, I guess a good start is my weight, right? Well I'm still at 129kilos, same place I was many moons ago. Many many moons ago.

I'm still unsure as to what path I'm going to take to get myself going here. Yeah, I'm going to go to the Disorderly Eating place and talk about my feelings and all of that head stuff, but it's not like I'm going to walk in and ***woooooooooshhh*** things are going to change. I'm going to have to make other changes and I just don't feel up to the challenge right now. Yesterday, I felt fantastic, today I don't feel up for it. This is life. This is life regardless of if you're trying to lose weight, get a new job, have a kid, sell a book... no matter what else you're trying to do, you're always going to have these fantastic energetic "take on the world" days and other days where "meh, I don't have to get out of bed" becomes your motto.

I have been drinking water more often and making healthier choices for breakfast and lunch but it's those evenings... those long, drawn out, tired evenings that get me. But I don't have to tell you guys this, you know it already. You've read it already, you've experienced it yourselves some of you, you know the punchline before the joke is even told.

That's why I'm not really sure what to update because it's all pretty much been said. I'm not reinventing the wheel here.

Surely I'll feel some inspirtation to blog something better, more positive, more enlightening, more ANYTHING in the next couple of days. Surely, right?

2010-06-19T06:08:00.002+02:00

I've been trying to find time to update all week long but every time I'd go to log in I'd get distracted by something or another and never quite make it here to post. So now that Sadie thinks 5 AM is a good time to wake up every morning, at the buttcrack of dawn, I have no excuses and no distractions, well unless you count the Teletubbies, but I can ignore their uh-ohhhing long enough to write a post, surely.

There isn't much change from my last post actually. Still no news from the Disorderly Eating Shrinkage people. I'll give them another two weeks before I start harrassing them. I've started, once again, eating healthier at work, choosing the salad bar over the hot food bar. I've noted that the evenings, which didn't used to be a problem at all for me, are now the enemy. Exhaustion from work and being a Mom to a kid who still doesn't sleep well make any sort of function in the evenings... well impossible isn't the right word... but it sure doesn't make it easy, for lack of a better word coming to mind at this time of day without and coffee in my veins, to have energy left to exercise.

I've been on a cake baking and decorating kick (okay it's an obsession) lately and that's actually been a positive thing for me, which seems totally backwards, but hey, it's me, what did you expect? So rather than baking cakes, filling cakes and frosting cakes causing me to eat aforementioned cake, it actually does quite the opposite. All of the planning, mixing, getting-it-so-so, reading up on how-to, watching video's on fondant, all of this cake stuff takes my mind off of food, the usual food that I would be mindlessly grazing on, snacking on and eating for no reason. I am so excited to be creating something, even if it is just a cake, that I don't just sit and snack. Yay!

It's a big lesson shoved right under my nose. Yes, that's a lesson I smell, not cake baking, although the key lime cake I am making for Marco for Father's Day did smell divine. Anyway, that lesson, the lesson that if I have something planned to do then I tend not to eat as much rather than when I have no plans and sit around to "relax". It also shows that when I am eating in the evening it is more out of boredom than hunger. Yeah, well no huge epiphany there but still, you can't help but look at the facts when they're glaring at you.

I just remembered the other day that I have a wii fit fitness coach workout game thingy and I am going to start using that. Hell, since I'm up at 5 AM anyway, it gives me a couple more hours to fit in some sort of exercise right? Well, that's what I'm saying right now, but how I'm feeling at 5 AM certainly isn't anything like exercise, it's more like the exorcist.

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks!

oh and I haven't broken up with Dr. Phil, we're just on a break. I am planning on taking him to the Disoerdely Eating Shrinkage people though, if I ever get to go.

2010-06-08T21:47:00.003+02:00

I'm not exactly sure where I am going with this post so please accept my early apologies if I am all over the place or no place at all.

Since back from vacation a whole lot of nothing has been happening in the weight loss world. I was talking to my gal pal Becklette (over there on the left, check her blog out, it's good stuff) telling (read: whining) her how I don't know why I'm not really doing anything about my eating or exercise or anything at all, I'm just not, and she made a very keen observation. She pointed out that I'm not doing anything because I'm waiting around for this damn Disorderly Eating place to call me for my first appointment. Yeah, that makes sense. That seems like something I would do. I love when people don't bullshit me and tell me like it really is, and for that, Becklette, I love ya! I mean it makes no logical sense to wait for these people to call me for an appointment because it's not like they're going to get me in and my life will change automatically. I'm still going to have to do all of the hard work that I did before so why in the world am I hanging out pretending that this fairy godmother of a councilor is going to change my world? Meh, no clue.

In the meanwhile I've been tossing the idea of surgery around in my head. And put away your soap boxes, there is no need to preach about how "surgery is a very serious step" and "do you know the risks" and all the other crap that goes along with it. Yes, I know, yes I've done reading up, the good, the bad, the scary, the deathly scary, the ugly, the whole sha-bang-a-lang and the bottom line for me is, if I did, by some miracle, have any sort of money to put towards weight loss surgery of any kind, be it lap band, lipo (which I know isn't for MAJOR suckage of fat), staples and the likes, when all was said and done, I would be in the same place, mentally, that I'm in now and I would hate to put my body (and my family) through that if I would be at a high risk for gaining the weight back.

But in my wishful mind I think to myself, "self, if you ever lost all of the weight, via surgery you would have a clean slate and there is just no way you would ever do to your new body what you did to this pre-surgical body."

but then I say to myself "self, you did lose over 70 pounds before and yeah, so you got pg, but since then you packed on even more weight and are creeping up on your all time highest adult weight again, which is not a good thing. at all."

So it's a back and forth battle. If I were to rub my lamp and, besides getting rid of that layer of dust, a genie came out and granted me a new rocking bod (okay, so even a semi-decent bod) the very next morning, would I really be able to keep it? Would being the "do over" card be enough to keep me on track, be mindful, exercise and really take care of myself the way I need and DESERVE to be taken care of?

I like to think the answer to that question is a big fat "HELL YEAH". I guess I'll never know though. It's all hard work, exercise, a healthy diet and lots of head work that's going to end up putting me in that rockin bod I so desire. I just hope I get there before I'm 40.

Tweet Tweet, the Canary's were fantastic!

2010-05-30T08:13:00.009+02:00

So sorry I forgot to post before I left for vacation! I did weigh in, however, and there really wasn´t that much to say. I had made a goal to drop roughly 11 pounds before my vacation, just as a fun little goal, and alas, I didn´t drop a pound. Not one single pound. It´s typical me, when I have a deadline, weight loss related, I tend to binge my way out of success every time. This is something I hope to work out with the therapist if they ever call me to make my appointment.

We did have a wonderful time in the Canary Islands (Lanzarote was the island we went to) and I managed not to gain a single pound while there, even with drinking alcohol (which I don't do at home) and I actually managed to lose two. I guess it was all the activity and NOT sitting on the couch watching TV that did it because I didn't watch what I ate at all and had ice cream every day, sometimes twice. Between the sangria, champagne for breakfast, ice cold cervezas at dinner (okay and sometimes lunch) I would have bet the farm that I would have gained a little something but cock-a-doodle-doo I didn't!

Here are just a few pics, because I realize I haven't shared any pictures of me recently. So here I am at 128.5 kilos or around 283 pounds.

I haven't worn a dress since my wedding in 2004, but for some reason I was really attracted to this one. Between the flight, the heat and the alcohol my feet were swollen and looked like potatoes, hence the unattractive, but wearable, shoes.

Me and Sadie (yes I realize big people aren't supposed to wear verticle stripes but ya know, I'm not going to fool anybody into thinking I'm tiny by avoiding them, so here they are)

This is sooooo not a flattering picture at all but it's what I look like so here you go.

Ouch! We had a fun time at the Cactus Garden.

Me and Sadie That lovely sangria that I enjoy oh so well and not nearly as often as I would have liked to!

So there you have it, me, in the flesh. All 283 pounds of it.

Feeling better

2010-05-11T09:27:00.000+02:00

Just a quick update to let you know I am feeling better and back at work. Still trying to reach my ini goal before I leave for vacation in a mere 8 days but I think I will fall short. I'm not going to weigh myself until the day before though just so I can keep this positive momentum going.

It's just a short, 3 day work week for me here, so I'll try to catch you all up with a more interesting post in a few days. I hope you are all having healthy and successful weeks!

I'm down (but not talking about my weight)

2010-05-07T13:47:00.003+02:00

I'm sick. It started with a sore throat Tuesday which has progressivly gotten worse as the week went on and coupled with a stuffy-yet-runny nose and full feeling in my head and ears, it took me out of work both yesterday and today. I'm taking it easy, laying around, drinking plenty of fluids and just doing what you're supposed to do when you're feeling puny.

Needless to say there isn't much to really catch you all up on. I hope by Monday I am back in the game full force. There is only 13 more days until we are on a plane to Spain and I have hopefully lost the 5 kilos that I set as my goal. If I were to guess right now I would say there is no way I've lost 5 kilos yet considering the cookies, krispie treats and muffins I've been devouring but I still have some time left to make at least a small dent in my small goal.

We shall see.

(feel free to leave as many sympathy and "get well" comments as you'd like, I'll lap them up like a little puppy dog)

A quickie

2010-04-29T14:31:00.000+02:00

The good:
· I had a banana, apple and tablespoon of peanut butter for breakfast, a salad for lunch and have drank about 5 bottles of water so far today, and it’s only 2:30 here.
· I’ve planned a salad for supper with smoked chicken.
· I walked for 30 minutes 3 times this week (so far)
· It’s a 4 day work week in the Netherlands, thank you Queens Day!
· Exercising, even just this little bit that I’m doing, has made me feel wonderful. It also makes me want to eat better. Eating better makes me want to exercise more. Exercising makes me want to eat better. Eating better makes me want to exercise more. So on and so forth.

The bad:
· Just when I’m feeling great, positive, resisting the urge to eat poorly and making changes to minimize my exposure to sweets (for fear of a total binge), my colleague plops down chocolates she brought in announcing “I’ve restocked my chocolate”.

The ugly:
· My walk today caused a nasty blister on my heel (I forgot my socks at home).

And there is your little catch up for the day!

I may not be back until Monday so I wish you all a very happy, healthy weekend!

2010-04-27T10:29:00.002+02:00

So Tuesday, time for an update of sorts. MadameK commented (THANK YOU!) and asked me how it was going with the therapy so I thought I’d let “the masses’ know, I haven’t started yet. Apparently, once you register, there is a 8 – 10 week waiting period for….well because that’s how the Dutch like to roll. On top of the waiting period, they also claim they didn’t get my referral from my doctor, even though he sent it by fax and by post. Now how both of them managed not to make it to their office, I’ll never know, so that tacked on another two weeks to my already lengthy waiting period. I was more than frustrated. I mean, you finally decide “okay, I need some help to tame this monster that is my subconscious” and they put you on a 2 month waiting list? (for those who may have just joined the .02 blog world, I've been diganosed as a "disordely eater" and am seeking help with a center here that will have a team of people trying to sort me out. Sounds fun, eh? All kidding aside, I will be seeing a psychologist, nutritionist and other people who are focused on people with eating disorders and weight loss)

As I’m patiently waiting (sarcastically) for my call saying that I have my first appointment, I’ve been walking 3-4 times a week during my lunch hour for about 20-30 minutes. It’s been super weather recently and I’ve really enjoyed the movement. It's not like I'm going to sit around waiting for them, right?

I’ve cut out a few of my morning coffeess (yes, plural, we're talking 6 - 8 cups a day here and that's before lunch). I've been eating more fruits and veg, less carbs and have curbed my late night snacking (although not nearly as much as I need to). I’m not perfect, but then again, I’m not trying to be perfect, just a little bit better than I was yesterday.

I’m still chugging the water but could probably step it up a notch. I’m eating fruit for breakfast rather than a toastie. I’m skipping the cafeteria to avoid being seduced by the brownies and muffins and opting for bringing my breakfast from home instead. I'm also getting coffee out of the machine rather than the luscious lattes they serve in the cafeteria. This mighty adjustment has helped loads!

I’ve managed to maintain the 2-3 pound loss that I had but would really like to kick it in gear to meet my goal of losing 10 pounds by May 20th, when we leave for our vacation (should that stinking volcano in Iceland quit burping out hot motlen lava and ash, thank you very much). Seriosuly, with the weight I’m carrying, this goal should be simple to achieve but I just don’t seem to be motivated or focused enough to really get in there and do what I know I need to do and CAN do. I’m not quite sure what it is that’s stopping me, it’s like I can’t put my little finger on it. I’ve made some small, yet significant, changes. I’m just going to keep picking at it like a scab I guess.

I hope you all are having healthy and successful weeks!

(p.s. don't forget to join my rss feed there, to the left and become a follower of .02 so you'll never have to worry about missing an update!)

I betcha didn't know I could do THAT

2010-04-23T08:27:00.005+02:00

A woman I know that belongs to an online-message-board-group-thingy that I belong to recently asked me to help her with a project she was working on. She was sewing a baby blanket for a hospital for the Neo-natal care department on a volunteer basis and wanted to include a little writing, maybe a poem, to add to the finished product.

I actually get a huge kick out of it when people ask me to write things for them, for something specific, like a project or speech or anything really. It helps them, but more than that, it helps me. It helps me be creative. It helps me think. It helps me feel like I can help somebody else. It lets me use my talents for the better good of the people, or at least for a laugh. It makes me feel proud that they trust my creative fingers to do the writing. I love getting "assignments" and having a deadline and the pressure of it all. It's honestly a thrill for me. When I got this assignment all of those happy little emotions ran rampant and I was extremely happy with the outcome.

Said friend finished the blanket project and gave me a shout out on her blog for the poem. So check out Life at the Hatchery and get that warm snuggly feeling. I'm in love with that poem and plan to keep it in my back pocket for future projects, possibly of my own!

I need your help

2010-04-21T13:54:00.000+02:00

I've posted this on my blog once before but need to post it again one more time. Can you please click here and vote for our school? Long story short, the new school they built 7 years ago sunk into the ground and now the kids are going half days in trailors. They need all the funding they can get to help rebuild their school (building is condemned). If you can just take a second to vote (and even leave a comment on the bottom of that page to give some encouragement if you'd like) please do so. You register via your email address but you don't get spam mail. So please click here and vote for my old stomping grounds new school!

Weekend Chocolate Blow Out

2010-04-19T13:20:00.004+02:00

Birthday parties thrown by my Greek friend, Alexandra, should be 100% off limits for anybody, especially me, who is trying to lose weight. Totally off limits. Greeks are known for feeding their guests to the maximum, and then giving them seconds 'to be sure', (according to her)(and when I say she's Greek, I mean she was actually born and lived in Greece for most of her adult life, not the "American Greek" where your great-great-great-great-great-grandparents-came-from-somewhere-there-but-we-still-hang-onto-the-old-stereotypical-outdated-no-longer-done-traditions-anyway-Greek). She's the real deal.

Oh where to begin where yesterday went wrong... was it the gigantic cookie tree I assembled (and tasted each kind, of course)? Should I start at the three tiered cake that I had a huge slice of (chocolate, with chocolate, with chocolate concluded with... chocolate of course!)? Would it be right to begin at the cream cheese and smoked salmon sandwich I ate? Was the beginning the fudge? or the truffle? or the shortbread Greek something or other that was studded with almonds and covered in powdered sugar? maybe it was the rolled up, baked, phyllo dough something that was delicious (and the plate was re-visited twice over)... who knows where to begin when there was so much food involved and it all went oh-so-totally-wrong?

But today is going so much better. I'm not letting yesterdays chocolate-fest-2010 derail or even discourage me. I could say "well you're never going to make your mini goal now" but you know what... I AM going to make that goal! Or at least I'm going to keep trying for it.

I'm not going to weigh in this week because I know seeing that number on the scale could be the deciding factor in pushing me over the edge but I will weigh in next week and I will try to stay on course this week and I will keep on keepin on!

Introductions are necessary: Meet the Parsnip

2010-04-14T13:45:00.003+02:00

It is a beautiful day in Amsterdam today and I went for a 30 minute walk during my lunch hour. My tushy muscles are flinching in my seat right now but I feel really good! I also discovered that right up the road is a beautiful little street with a canal on one side and little houses on the other. I walked almost to the end but ran out of time and had to turn back. I’m going to have to start bringing my Ipod to work with me to help me pick up the pace a little. All in good time though.

I also had a wonderful roasted lunch today with sliced turkey, a small potato, parsnips and a little (tablespoon size) bit of dressing. It was like Thanksgiving in April in the Netherlands! (considering I had frozen pizza last turkey day - this was a treat).

Lets' get down and dirty with the parsnip, shall we? What in the world are they, you ask? Don't feel silly, I asked the same question or at least I used to ask, as I had never had one until a few months ago when I was accidently introduced to them at lunch. They were part of the "meal" deal so I took them and tried them and voila... a new favorite food! If you like sweet potatoes or carrots, I strongly recommend you try them. I’ve only ate them roasted so I’m not sure how/if you can have them raw but YUMMY YUMMY! Give 'em a go!

Naturally I assumed since I liked my new found parsnip so well that I would google “parsnip” to find out that they are about as healthy as a donut because that just how things go in the weight loss world, right? Well ADDED BONUS (insert sounds of bells, buzzers, diggy-things, a whooptie whistles here)… they’re really good for you! Directly from http://www.everynutrient.com/ :

Parsnips provide an excellent source of vitamin C, fiber, folic acid, pantothenic acid, copper, and manganese. They also offer a very good source of niacin, thiamine, magnesium, and potassium. They are a good source of riboflavin, folic acid, and vitamins B6 and E. Parsnips provide similar nutritional benefits as potatoes. Some significant differences are that parsnips are lower in calories and contain only about 50 percent of the protein and vitamin C content of potatoes.

However, parsnips do contain more fiber than potatoes. Even though both parsnips and potatoes provide good amounts of B vitamins, parsnips provide a much better source of folic acid.

Holy Cow! I'm going to go parsnip bananas here! Share your parsnip recipes w/ me and if you've never had a parsnip, leave a comment (so I don't feel like I've lived under a rock my whole life!)

For those who are also crawling out from under the rock and may want to purchase a parsnip today at the store, look for something like this:

Have a parsnippty good time trying it out!

2010-04-12T12:21:00.003+02:00

I just realized this this morning, as I was on the scale, that I didn’t share a little mini-goal that I set recently with all of you. We’ve booked a vacation, 8 days in Lanzarote, one of the Canary Islands for May. It’s my first time going to any of the Canary Islands and it’s actually my first time on a relaxing, beach vacation! EVER! Goes to say, I’m pretty stinkin stoked! Our Bungalow/beach accommodations can be seen here but be forewarned, I cannot take responsibility for your reaction to what you’re about to see! You may drool, foam at the mouth, have slight heart palpitations or a number of other super duper jealousy related emotions that sometimes happen to people who aren’t going on vacation on an island off of the coast of Spain.

Back to the goal, so two weeks ago I made a mini goal that I would like to lose 5 kilos before the trip, May 20th. That’s about 11 pounds in 5 weeks, should I adhere to the 1-2 pounds a week rule, that should be just do-able.

As I mentioned previously, I was on the scale when this realization that I didn’t share my goal with you popped into my head and what I saw on the scale was pretty darned promising. As of this morning, I am proud to say that I only have 4 more kilos, 9 pounds to go to meet that mini goal! This is totally do-able and now that I’ve seen the first two pounds gone, it gives me that much more resolve to make it! It's a small, small step, but it's a step!

WOOHOO! Look our Lanzarote, here I come!

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if some wonderful person can tell me how to make my links open in another window, rather than taking you from this page, please feel free to share.

Where do brownies fit into my life?

2010-04-09T11:39:00.004+02:00

Well yesterday one fit directly into my mouth. Not exactly my "plan" but not the end of the world either (although the dialogue in my head would tell you a different, bloodier, much more dramatic story ending with my head exploding into a million chocolate pieces while brownie batter drips from my neck stump where aforementioned head used to sit. Nicccccccce).

But where do brownies actually fit into my life? The answer may never truly be known. Am I a person who can have one brownie and leave it at that? Well, I did yesterday but it was a huge brownie (4 inch square probably an inch and a half thick) and I didn’t even think of getting a second. But that brownie yesterday can regurgitate itself at any moment, usually a moment of weakness, hours, days or weeks after I’ve eaten it. For instance, if I am back in the cafeteria and another brownie is sitting there, whispering my name seductively, will I say “Sarah, you had a brownie yesterday so that’s enough” or will I say “Sarah, you had a brownie yesterday so you may as well have another today”?

The obvious answer is choice number one, “I had one yesterday so of course that will hold me over” but I live in a real world (or at least it’s my reality), where I know I am not quite mentally stable with all-things-brownie (and sweet) related and I could very well talk myself out of passing it up and right back into the brownie driver’s seat. I can totally see myself saying “well you screwed up yesterday so what’s the point of trying”. And at that instant, that split second in time, that very wrong moment, that statement will actually make sense to me. When I talk about it now, not in a brownie trance, it seems silly, laughable even, but those moments of absolute craziness do happen to me, so what’s the best way to combat it?

If you’re expecting an answer here boy were you sadly mistaken. I don’t really know the answer or have some wise statement to make about how the brownie is really a reflection of ____ which can be interpreted as ____ or ____ which means I am _____, ______ and ______. My thoughts about brownies are the only thing leaving my mind _____. Yeah, I have some ideas about what I can do, what I should do, and how to defeat my sweet tooth monster but I’m not quite “there” with posting them at this second. I need to mill around a while. Let them swirl around in my head and maybe even test the waters. Then I’ll fill in the blanks for you (and for me!)

Enough about brownies! I didn't get to go on my lunch time walk yesterday (craptastic weather) but I am going to make up for it today. It's BEAUTIFUL out and I can't wait to get in the sun and get moving. I’m going to avoid the brownie section of the cafeteria because, well it just makes sense.

I hope you’re all having fantastic, healthy, successful weeks!

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edit: I DID go on a walk today at lunch for about 20-25 minutes and wow, am I out of shape. I can't believe I was up to running over a mile before and now I can hadrly walk without huffing anf puffing. It'll be easier tomorrow though. I remember what it was like when I first started running. At first I could only go a few feet (seriously, like 50 feet max) without having to stop but it was just a few days before I could go twice that far and so on. I'm pretty stoked.

Oh and I had a fabulous lunch of tomato bread with humous, shredded apple, shredded carrots, three dates and a couple slices of cheddar cheese with a banana and a diet coke.

One foot in front of the other, that's how you walk

2010-04-07T13:10:00.002+02:00

And today I took a step in the very right direction! I found a partner at work who would like to spend lunch hours soaking up the sun (or rain, as we ARE in the Netherlands) and walking with me! I've been thinking that now that spring has sprung that, rather than wasting my lunch actually eating lunch, I could use that time to squeeeeeeeeeeeeze in some exercise and have a light lunch afterward. After all, I get an hour, rarely use but 20 minutes of that time actually "lunching" and then come back to my desk and sit.all.day.long.

I can't seem to find time or make time for exercise at home since my free time is usually spent running after a very active 20 month old (YEAH, she's 20 months already!!!!!!) or reading to her or giving her a bath, or trying to coax her into eating something, anything so this is the best alternative that I can come up with and now, I have a partner in crime!

She and I are going to start tomorrow! I just have to remember to pack my walking shoes! I'm on the right track... I can finally say that with a bit of confidence.

YAY!!!!!

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks!

How about an analogy to start off your Tuesday?

2010-04-06T14:09:00.001+02:00

I’m feeling pretty positive right now even if the scale was a scary, scary site this morning. I’m still at 129 kilos, 284 pounds roughly which isn’t my all time high (thank God, right?) but it is where I have spent the largest chunk (pun totally intended there!) of my adult years.

So, why the positivity you wisely ask? Why in the world would you be even semi-happy that you are now 52 pounds heavier than you were at your lowest weight, back in good old 2007, before getting pg? What in the world do you have to be happy about?

Well I will tell you just that…

I’m making some “good” choices, some better choices and most importantly, I am making conscious choices. It’s pretty interesting, when you think about it, how you can actually go through an entire day and not make, what seems like, one single conscious decision. Everything is “yeah, okay” or “that sounds alright” or simply “whatever”. Is that really considered participating in what happens in your daily life?

I’m all for going with the flow. Taking it easy. Not getting all up in arms about everything but that’s not always the way to go about your life, your daily business, especially if you’re in the business of pushing off some of those unwanted pounds. Sometimes instead of going with the flow, you have to actually sit in the raft and paddle your arse off in the other direction of the flow, don’t you? (no need to answer that, it’s crystal clear).

I’ve been floating along for far too long now and it’s time that I start paddling. Hard. I’ve put on my life preserver (a really stylish bright orange one!) because you know, sometimes you fall off that raft and I don’t want to be one of those “missing persons” on the milk-jug-of-weight-loss-blog-life. I want you guys to be able to find me if I do, indeed, fall off this raft. So here I am, crawling back on, one more time. Let’s just hope I can stay afloat!

Not a complete 180 but it's a good 165 at least

2010-04-01T12:55:00.002+02:00

I think I mentioned the problem I had with losing vision in my eye on here a few weeks ago. To make a long story short, they put me on calcium channel blockers (high blood pressure meds) to see if it would stop the blindness episodes, thinking it was a vascular spasm causing them. So I took the pills, even though I was pretty concerned about the low blood pressure factor that could happen, considering my blood pressure is always normal and I started reaping the “benefits” of all the side effects almost immediately. I was flushed in my face and so hot. I was tired, felt sick, dizzy and all the other fun stuff that comes along with the meds but I wanted to stick with it to see if it would help my eye sight. Well after a week of it I was so puffy and swollen that I couldn’t fit in my shoes and I had a hot flush-flash that lasted over 4 hours and some tingling in my face, I thought “maybe I should call”. (gee, ya think?)

They told me to immediately stop taking the medication and I will have a follow up phone call appointment on the 6th of April and of course monitor my eye sight in the meantime. It wasn’t 8 hours later that I was already feeling so much better. Not only better with the the hotness, red face and swelling but my overall mood improved. I feel better now than I have since starting the medication, emotionally and physically. I really think that played a big part in my tornadic and tumultuous feelings over the past week. Pretty amazing how your heart keeps your whole body and mentality in check, isn’t it?

So today, with no meds for 24 hours, I am feeling fantastic and in very good spirits. A lot of the swelling has gone down in my legs and feet and I could almost put my dress shoes back on this morning. I’m drinking tons of water to try to flush it all out but I think by next week I should be back to normal.

Thank you all for the sweet comments and emails and your general concern for my well being. I really appreciate it more than you probably realize. My blog readers are the best!

I want to wish you all a Happy Easter! May the bunny bless you wish lots of yummy chocolate (or a moderate, yet still healthy amount), good times with family (or the total avoidance of family for those who are related to lunatics) and plastic grass that will get stuck in your vacuum and live there for eternity!

Don't quote me on this...

2010-03-31T13:49:00.002+02:00

"Variability is the law of life, and as no two faces are the same, so no two bodies are alike, and no two individuals react alike and behave alike under the abnormal conditions which we know as disease." - William Osler

Plugging along here.

Tumultuous

2010-03-29T13:12:00.001+02:00

Tumultuous is the only way I can describe how I’m feeling right now/recently. Well, I guess I can add in there; sad, sorry and suck-y but tumultuous pretty much sums it up.

Asking for your help

2010-03-29T09:44:00.002+02:00

I'm not sure how many of you know about the Pepsi Refresh Project, but basically Pepsi is offering money to people who have ideas/dreams they'd like to fulfill, and it's the public vote that chooses the winners. You get 10 votes a day (you can only vote for one idea once per email address) so even if you have your own favorite pepsi refresh program projext idea, if you could still spare one of your votes for this idea, to rebuild the elementary school in the little towns of Benld and Gillespie Illinois (where I grew up) the community would be very grateful!

Here is a copy and paste of what the community would like to do:

Overview
On March 28, 2009 our community suffered a horrible event. Our 700 elementary school students have permanently lost their school!

Benld Elementary located in a small rural community about an hour northeast of St. Louis, MO and about an hour south of Springfield, IL was built about seven years ago. The damage from mine subsidence happened throughout the school, forcing it to be condemned. This was not an ongoing issue, the damage happened in one weekend and it's expected to get worse. The walls are twisting and cracking, floors sinking and rising, in many different directions and basically, as the building is sinking, it is being torn apart. The rural communities in this area developed as mining became its key resource many years ago. The school, as well as a majority of the homes, businesses and other buildings, were built over the top of these mines that are hundreds of feet under the ground.

http://pep.si/asrKDz

There are pictures on the Pepsi website of the school. This grant money would only be a fraction of what it is going to cost to rebuild the school but every bit helps and this could be a huge help for them. I grew up here, my family is still there and my nieces and nephews have gone or will go to this school. The kids have been in modular buildings since the sinking of their school and they just deserve better for their education. They're making the best out of the situation but these kids need and deserve a proper school.

Please vote for them!

A half blind tornado, yep, that's me!

2010-03-26T10:04:00.001+01:00

Sorry I’ve been MIA, there’s been a lot going on. Between the house being remodeled (it’s finished now, except for the whole that the punched through the bedroom wall from the bathroom which now has to be patched and repainted. Nice, right?). In the meantime, I started losing vision in my right eye on Friday. Not all the time, just for a few minutes at a time, then it would go away, then it would come back. It was like I was looking through a dirty, fogged up window, so not black. I was at the doctors and the hospital all day Friday. They weren’t sure what the cause was but it stopped happening (after they dialated my eyes) so sent me home claiming “migraine in my eye”. I had no head pain or any other symptom but partial blindness.

It didn’t happen Saturday so thought they may have been right, but started happening again Sunday so another morning and afternoon was spent at the hospital. Again, nothing could be found so I was sent home to write down who/what/when/where/why of the episodes until I could get a follow up appointment and they could discuss my case further. Monday it didn’t happen. Then Tuesday I had an appointment again (after a team of neurologist met to discuss what could be wrong with me since they cannot find a single thing wrong with me eye) and they’ve put me on a calcium channel blocker, which is actually used for high blood pressure, which I do not have. So I’m trying this for two weeks and then having a follow up appointment.

They’re saying it could be a vascular spasm (they no longer think it’s migraine) but there is no way to actually SEE a vascular spasm (just like there is no real known cause of a migraine, only known triggers), so if the blind episodes go away then they’ll assume the medication is correct and we’ll see where we go from there BECAUSE taking a pill for high blood pressure when you don’t have it of course causes low blood pressure. So now I feel a little sick and tired a lot and the medicine makes my face flushed and hot so I look like I’m walking around embarrassed all day. I guess it’s the lesser of two evils though. I haven’t had a blind episode since Sunday though so I don’t know if it was some fluke, freak thing and now I’ve been on the meds for 2 days with no return blindness, so are they really working or did the episodes just go away?

So THIS is why I’ve been neglecting my weight loss blog. Good reason, no?

I have my second psychologist appointment Tuesday. I’m having a lot of nervous, anxious feelings about my weight (not about the appointment but about my body) and it’s not necessary nice. I don’t really know how to explain what it is I’m feeling, which is new for me as I can usually find some way of getting things across, but I guess the best way to describe how I’m feeling is tornadic (is that even a word, meaning like a tornado? Well it’s a freaking word now, for the purpose of this blog). Like a tornado, I have all these feelings, emotions, thoughts, expectations, wants, needs, concerns, fears, realizations, a whole mix of crap basically, going on in my body and it literally feels like they’re spinning around, changing one emotion for the next in such a rapid pace that I don’t know what to think or feel or do. (how’s THAT for not having the right words?).

The weather is vastly improving and I’m looking forward to being able to spend more time outside and getting in some exercise. Sadie LOVES being outside and this is a great motivation for me to also be out there.

I will keep you all posted!

Retro .02

2010-03-17T21:06:00.002+01:00

Okay, so I don't really know how long it takes something to really be considered "retro" but it sounded cute, so there ya go.

I was thinking today about where I have come from, where I have been and what I have been through with my weight loss issues and I thought maybe I'll search back and see where I drew inspiration from in the beginning of this whole thing. I stumbled onto (well, okay, I just clicked it) a post that still can give me goosebumps. So call it cheating, call it whatever you want, I'm calling it "Retro .02" as we take a look back and show you where I've drawn inspiration in the past and how I just keep pushing on.

(now's the part where you click that colored part that's underlined, that link, so you can go to the post that I am talking about, see it up there, yeah, click there, then you'll understand why this is Retro .02).

now that didn't hurt a bit, did it?

2010-03-16T20:46:00.003+01:00

So the appointment went really well, as far as appointments can go. The doctor was super duper nice, easy to talk to, his English was great and we totally went over the time limit.

I have mentioned before, I have the gift of gab and people tend to open up to me. I swear it must be the look on my face because it seems to say "tell me every thing about you, your family, you life, your wishes, your hopes, your dreams, what you ate for breakfast and how your bowels are moving along" because those are the stories I get no matter where I go. And don't get me wrong, I don't mind at all, I love talking to people but do you see where this is going?

About 15 minutes into our appointment he had to stop himself to say "oh wait, I forgot the introduction" because it was seriously just that easy to have a conversation with him.

At another point in the appointment as the psychologist was in the middle of telling me a story about his wife and her struggles when she moved to the Netherlands (she's an expat just like me!) he stopped himself and said, well wait, we're reversing the roles here. We had a good laugh and I actually learned quite a bit about his own family.

Eventually we did have to wrap it up and we got down to the "down and dirty". He said I've actually done a really good job at pinning down what I think my problems are (self destructive behaviors i.e. shoving a whole pie in my face, hiding my eating) and that the work that I did on my own with Dr. Phil's book The Ultimate Weight Loss Solutions has done me a lot of good and gives him a good base to work from. (He is a Dr. P fan by the way, LOVE THAT!).

He said that every two weeks the group of doctors get together and discuss the new patients and talk about what they feel the next steps should be. He said that for me he is going to recommend that I see a specialist who deals solely with eating disorders and he thinks he knows one who practices in a hospital near by our house (which he also used to live in this neighborhood a while back when his daughter was younger but then they ended up buying a house in Amstelveen, which is a great little city that Marco and I actually wanted to move to as well...)

So I have my follow up appointment with him in two weeks and he'll let me know where we go from there! It was such a good experience for me and I am so glad that I've taken this first step to getting the help that I need to get these issues under control.

p.s. he also recommends that I go back to school and finish my degree because he thinks I'm a really clever person and can do pretty much whatever it is I want to do. Nice!

today is the 1st day

2010-03-16T09:41:00.001+01:00

my first appointment with the psychologist. wish me luck!

(p.s. the house is coming along at a super quick pace and may even be done by the end of the week!)

Remodel

2010-03-12T14:35:00.002+01:00

We're having our house remodeled (kitchen, bathroom and toilet room, which is, indeed, a seperate room here) which started Wednesday so that's why I haven't been posting. It's a disaster, it involves a port-a-potty in our walk-in closet and showering in a community trailor. It's just not pretty. Good news though, I may have a working toilet by the end of the day today so no more holding it! YAY!

I really want to thank everybody for commenting lately on my posts. It really means a lot to me to know that:

a) somebody is reading my blog
b) other's understand what I'm going through
c) I'm not owning the patent on crazy, food-related thoughts
d) I have a cheering section

Tuesday is my first appointment and if I don't get back here before then, I'll be sure to post after.

Hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

A new week, a better week

2010-03-08T08:45:00.002+01:00

I've found myself in a bit of self destructive mode since knowing that I've made a psychologist appointment to talk about my feelings/food issues. “Self-destructive” may be a bit of a harsh or exaggerated word and I’m not trying to use it for its dramatic effect (insert very dramatic music) but what I’ve been doing is surely not constructive in the least. Over-eating. Eating sweets. Eating out of boredom. Eating because once I “start” then I won’t be able to have ____ or ____ or ______ ever again for the rest of my life.

Now isn’t that ridiculous? Especially since I know that saying “you can’t have ___ or ____ or _____” makes me eventually binge on ____ and ____ and ____ with a huge side order of ____ to top it off. Oh and heavy on the guilt please.

It’s a familiar pattern for me though, this self destructive mode, and I’ve blogged about it before here. And while searching for that post I went ahead and re-read what I wrote oh, almost three years ago to the day, I see that I am still doing exactly what I tried to stop doing before. The mental game of self sabotage. Those last few paragraphs of that post really hit home for me. Here I am three years later still unable to win at that mental game of weight loss. I even battled it out this morning in the canteen while picking out my breakfast.

Me: don’t get the sausage roll, lord knows that’s not good for me.

Me: why not? You know you’re not going to be able to control yourself this week anyway. Just look at what you ate all weekend. Why start improving now?

Me: okay, let’s have some yogurt instead.

Me: that muffin looks good

Me: muffin = cake for breakfast

Me: what about a banana

Me: you’ll be starving by lunch if you only have a coffee and banana, get the muffin

Me: what about ontbijtkoek, you can have breakfast, the Dutch way.

Me: the second ingredient in that it sugar, you know that, you’ve looked at it before. It literally translates to "breakfast COOKIE".

Me: have the sausage roll

Me: would it kill them to have more @##%@$ choices here?

And on and on and on the conversation went. Notice there is only one character in that dialogue although there are two very distinct voices heard. One is “sensible Sarah”, the other is “the Sarah you’ve been all of your life, don’t change now, oh please, oh please, oh please”. After all these years, she’s still strong and kicking although I did manage to suppress her for a while.

This lackluster revelation of “I’m still doing it…STILL” three years later from that post (which was talking about situations of self sabotage that had happened even years before THAT), this dimmed light bulb moment that I’m still sabotaging myself from being a successful weight loser, just cements the fact, in my mind, that seeing this psychologist is exactly what this girl needs. Exactly.what.I.need.

I am clearly unable to get past these dueling banjos of “eat it – don’t eat it” that are picking away in my brain, even with the resources I have tapped into (Dr. P, I still love everything about that book!) but it’s just not enough to really help me kick the mental habits. Yeah, I shoved those habits around a bit, for a little while, and probably bruised their shins but I never finished them off, never really kicking their butts, fully.

I am the one that can make good food choices, exercise, drink water, stop well before I’m full the list goes on. The PHYSICAL side of this I am 100% responsible for and able to do. I’ve done it before and, not to toot my own horn, but I kicked some banjo-playin butt back in the day (TOOT! TOOT!) .

It’s that mental part, which is HUGE in weight loss, it’s THAT part that I can’t get right 100% of the time. Hell I’m lucky to get it right 30% of the time. And honestly, standing in the cafeteria grabbing this item, setting it back down, walking to the cooler, walking back to the baked goods, glancing at the toasted cheese sandwiches, fondling the fruit, all while the girl at the counter stands, patiently, waiting for me to make my choice... those moments can be a bit embarrassing for me (especially since the entire time that's going on I'm having a total mental battle, silently (I HOPE!) in my head) and what I don't need right now is another 'thing' that is going to make me feel less than fantastic, and a little bit nutty.

So I’m ready. I’m going to stop this square dance, mid-step. I’m going to take that second banjo picker, bust that dueling banjo over “the Sarah you’ve been all of your life, don’t change now, oh please oh please oh please” head and start listening to sensible Sarah more often. I’m ready for the change.

(and I chose a cheese and cracker thing for breakfast which was, terrible to eat, but a decent amount of calories, nothing too flashy and will hold me over until lunch. I need to come to work better prepared!)